Trials in the Life of a Chasidisher Yingerman

Hashem Loves me PART II

2010-01-05T07:45:00.000-08:00

I know its been a loooong while, still here still kickin' just not bloggin'. Sorry for all those disappointed, if.
A while back I posted a similar story, as life goes I had another experience which shows me again that I'm still on the good list.
So, I often pass this store thats got these huge glass windows, and at night, like nowadays, you can see into the store pretty well without the insiders knowing about your little beady eyes, peering into their private lives.
Ok I'm nearing the store and naturally the flieshiger eigen look towards the candy display, only to hit the jackpot.
In a open area, easy to see and facing the other way is a young woman wearing tight stetchie pants.
Guilt, involuntary eye movement, guilt, head tilts away.
Self disgust and I look...again.

But there goes a security doorman in tandem with my walking, so that pants is obscured.
I shake my head, I failed, But Hashem loves me.

Thanks.

My daddy is bigger that your daddy

2008-04-03T15:10:00.000-07:00

Titles are always the hardest, no?
I was cleaning for pesach, (ya know, rereading old magazines) and thinking wouldn't it be love-aly if I could stay home for a seder or 2?
I make my own horseradish anyway so whats the big deal?
I can read the instructions in haggada just as well as the next guy, and i know a couple of required items that create interesting odors in the kitchen, and thats it.

When I a kid we would brag about what time our seder shlepped to.
"We finished at 3 am"
"3? big deal we finished at 3:07!"
"I had a d'var torah on every piece in the haggadah, 3 on arba bonim"
"I even have 1 on korech"
"my little brothers went rount by 'shefoach chamoscha' he musta seen Eliyahu."
"we acted out the makkos"
"so! we acted out chad gadya"
etc etc

Nowadays i prefer the " I was in bed by midnight"
The kiddies are growing and wanna shine on their own, so that no gonna happen.
Already one has half inch thick kuntras of stuff on the haggada.
Hey, i agree with them, just as long as i get to bed by 1:00am.
I think the per square inch there are more 'toras' on the haggada than any other sefer out there.

Maybe i should discuss it with spousy first, hummmm?

Haloo where are you?

2008-01-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

I know I know, its been a while.

OK maybe longer.

Well the truth is I'm not even sure anyone ever reads my stuff.

No matter, I write these, as a way to either share something, without getting in trouble for it.

So I'm not sure if readership matters, or just the initial sharing, which is in effect accomplished by my taking the time to type stuff up.
Get it?

Whatever.

Anyway this happened this Shabbos, and as other stories, I can't tell anyone I know so Blogsville is the ideal outlet.

It was actually Motzie Shabbos, I had bought bagels and was putting stuff together to go with the bagels. Salads 'n spreads, one of which is popular in my family, avocado!!
Yup I can get my kids to eat a green thing.
Its how I make it. This is not part of the story but just as a note to those with a burning curiosity, its mashed with hard boiled egg, sugar, lemon, salt and a pinch of pepper. (drool)

Anyway, 1 kids asks if avocados are Kilayim ( mixture like nectarines), I say I don't think so.
Other kids asks about Kilayim so kid 1 says "ooh like mules" then adds off the puzzled look of kids 2, " a mule is a mix between a horse and donkey".
That leads to more questions like "hey can you 'marry' a zebra and a hippo"?
I say "Nah their DNA is too different"
More puzzled looks.
OK More of that my-kids-know-zip-about-sex-and-I-sure-ain't-telling.
I say " you know the old ladies that live with their cats?"
Nods all around
"Well why don't they have cat babies"?
Hey, I came up with this on the spur, gimme a break.

"They can't 'cause they are way too different, humans and cats just are very different species, so it doesn't happen, but horses and donkeys are very similar, like uhh, Asians and Whites"

OK so sue me.

The conversation moved on to other, less risque topics.

Can I get an opinion? What age, if any premarital, is appropriate for a full disclosure?

Obviously you guys know my opinion.

2007-11-26T13:55:00.001-08:00

I had this discussion with a fellow blogger and then decided that some of you would like to hear about this particular 'trial' as I call 'em.
My oldest daughter, who is growing up faster than I can blink, has parsha homework and a teacher that makes 'em think.
So we enjoy chewing up finer points of the pasuk on occasion, and sometimes I wonder what the heck is the teacher thinking?

Well, this was one for the books, Maydele asks me about a particular Rashi that responds to the question, why Tamar was to be killed, says Rashi "as the daughter of Shem ben Noach, the Kohen, she was to be burnt"
OK Maydele asks "We burn all daughters of kohanim? 'Cause we've got cousins who....
Me"what lemme see that question"
Teacher asks 'why was tamar to be killed'?
OK.
I gotta explain this, but very carefully.
Me "ok When Yosef was sold, Shimon and Levi wanted to kill him. As Yakov on his deathbed said they had tempers, and they truly thought it was justified.
Ruvain, the oldest, knew better and said "let G-d decide - put him in a pit " that happened to be full 'o poisonous snakes 'n other nasties. The pasuk does say that Ruvain wanted to save Yosef's butt.
Yehuda not knowing this but agreeing- felt he couldn't fight the crowd, suggested that they sell Yosef. And so it was.

Later Yakov had immense grief and the brothers blamed Yahuda, that he shoulda said leave Yosef alone and sent the kid home.
Yahuda was troubled enough to leave home and then spent some time with a Caananite dude named Shia (Yes Maydele sounds Jewish, but no he wasn't) and married his daughter and had 3 boys, Er, Onan and Shaylu. Bas Shia dies in childbirth of Shaylu.
When Er was old enough Yahuda arranges a shidduch for him, Tamar daughter of Shem son of Noach."

So here comes the difficult part!

"Tamar was gorgeous and Er not wanting to spoil her beauty wouldn't set up house together.
Hashem wasnt happy 'bout that and Er died.
So Tamar was introduced to Onan who refused to Yibum his brothers memory and even though he married her, he acted the same way, so that there would be no child.
Hashem polished off Onan too.
Yahuda freaked at this point and told Tamar go home until Shaylu would be older.
So off Tamar goes.
After a few years Tamar realizes its not gonna happen with Shaylu, so she devises a plan. she dresses herself as a....in a disguise.... and sits outside Avraham's tent, (seems that it was a museum or something) Yahuda, out with the sheep gets this wierd notion to walk the sheep thataway, and sees the .....interesting lady.
They get married and in the morning Yahuda goes to get all his stuff, comes back to find that the lady he married, was missing!

6 months later people start talking that Onans widow was pregnant and yahuda convenes a Beis din and finds her guilty of being untzniusdig and must have married someone else without getting Chalitza from Shaylu or Yahuda, for which the sentence is death.
Being that she was Shem ben Noach kid that makes her a Kohens kid for which the regular death is replaced with burning.

There's lotsa more medrash to this story, but that's the gist.
Try explaining this to a barely teenage girl, without any sexual references (sigh)
L-rd knows why the teacher chose to make the parents squirm.

The Flowers

2007-10-19T10:59:00.000-07:00

Like most hubbies in Boropark I do some last minute pre-Shabbos shopping on the way home from work. Sometimes its some cake or deli and of course like every good hubby I get Spousy flowers for Shabbos.
You've seen 'em the prez-Bush-not-withstanding-illegal-dudes standing at every corner shouting 'flowers, flowers for shabis'.

Anyway one week when I do my rounds, Spousy calls me on my cell, asking if I could get her some, uhhh, feminine napkins.
Hey I'm married I've done this before, pads, bedikah cloths, whatever, can't say its like buying cold cuts, but not a big deal, right guys?
So this Friday I went about getting whatever it was we needed and then stopped off at the drugstore, down that aisle and picked up a bag of Spousy's favorite brand.
I turn towards the cashier, bag in hand, ooops no way, my old chavrusa is on that checkout line.
OK OK I'll go to the drug counter and pay there. I shield the bag with my body and head thata way...
OH CRAP, 2 guys from shul are standing and chatting, and they've seen me....
Nonchalantly I stoll up to them "hey, vus titzach?"
I sorta lean one way while twisting my arm the other trying to block the 'package' as far as possible.
We chat while waiting, well, they're chatting, I'm squirming justa bit at first, but the pressure mounts as more awkward minutes drag by.
I'm holding more bags then they are and besides they're still waiting for cough syrup or antibiotics for the kid, to be prepared, "Yinger, just go ahead of us" says one.
YAY "are you sure" to be polite, I gotta ask.
They both nod.
OK I'm outta here.....almost.
I try to continue the yakking, turning my shoulders and face to them and shoving the bag behind me up on the counter.
Not bad I convince myself.
The female cashier swipes the bag on the barcode reader I hear the beep of the machine and expect to hear how much I owe, instead I hear her mumble 'that cant be right'.
She tries again and stares at the screen, 'no-way' she says, and then raising the pack of pads as high she can, she yells out the manager, walking about 25-30 feet away "PRICE CHECK".

Breath.....
In.....
Through.....
The......
Nose....
Out....
Through.....
The....
Mouth.......

AHHHGGGGG, I think, never in a million years am I ever, EVER, going to shop for this kinda stuff again.

Oh yes, I did bring home flowers, what kinda hubby do you think I am?

Sheesh

2007-09-03T08:13:00.000-07:00

A while back I mentioned that spousy spoke a shidduch, well, in order not to blow my cover, I will say that this month I will attending a marriage that my fantastic wife arranged.
Yes yes kiddies, and its not the first one either.
Anyway so after that initial phone call, it seemed that word got around that Mrs Spousy Yingerman was a world famous shadchan, and i didn't believe the amount of calls she got saying I have a great boy/girl 'on the market'.
Feh "market" sounds like a nice cut of steak.
So Spoucy ends up listening to people talk about themselves and I end up printing her some blank 'shidduch forms' so that she can organize her lists.
**time interval**
Lots of phone calls....
(starbursts) SHIDDUCH!!!!!(starbursts)

Now we start getting swamped with frantic calls,
I have a great boy....she's an excellent....so she has diabetes.....he's been working part time and......but with medication it perfectly under control.....
(sigh)
Hashem yiracham everybody's got tzuris of one type or another.

All my life I tried to avoid being a yenta (yentum? what's a male yenta?) and now I'm inundated with lotsa personal info that I don't wanna know.

In the course of my work I meet people, all sorts and classes. Here and there I come across kids of the 'market' age, and I ply them for info.

Recently I spoke to a girl who informs she's in her late 20's, I was surprised, she coulda passed for 18-19, I ask what she's looking for and i get a cryptic response 'someone who wants to be close to Hashem'
(dumbstruck)
Me:what does that mean?
Close to Hashem wannabe girl: you know a boy who feels in his heart that he needs to draw closer to Hashem.
Me:Everyone wants to be closer, what does your vision of closer entail, like what?
ctHwg:He feels in his heart that he wants to be closer.
Me:please explain, you mean someone who says t'hillim all day or someone who will stand on a tall building and yell 'I love you, Hashem'?
ctHwg:(looking a bit lost) No he just needs to feel inside that he needs to be closer to Hashem.

OK (exasperation)
No wonder she's not married, she has no clue, she's repeating a mantra she heard from a teacher, and has no idea what it means.

A brother in law of mine says teach 'em to make a good kugal and then the hubby will be happy, and if he's happy she'll be happy, know you all know the secret of great marriage.

I know this blog is disjointed, I just had to get it outta my head.
Thanx

P.S. if you wanna submit any shidduch info on a 'marketable' kid from a black hat home (we're not ready to branch out yet) sent it to chasidyingerman@yahoo.com and I'll forward it to Mrs Spousy 'world-shdchantah' Yingerman's attention.

2007-07-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

I was lookin' around at blogs and there was a question on http://luleidemistafina.blogspot.com/ blog about feeling on tisha b'av. I found to be a very deep question, its not really about crying or the minhag of what people do or dont on Tisha B'av but rather I think it's how well do you associate with the chorban with the loss of ours and the rest of the world, as the Succos korbanos in the Bais Hamikdash shielded the world from grief.

I commented( about the crying on Tisha b'av demand:

First time I cried on tisha b'av was when I was 12. I just finished reading a book on the chorban of WWII and like lots of well written books it really touched me.
Ever been to Israel, nearly every time I get to the kosel I cry, being there makes me feel like a child who misbehaved towards my Father who loves me greatly and, and I, I have forgotten the One who provides, I've been ungrateful for what I get, through no merit of my own.(sigh)

We are (stupid)silly shortsighted humans, But Hashem, please remember that You made us this way.

I'd like to add that if you havent been to the kosel or if you have, but have never felt....the sh'china or something, then you have my pity.

I've heard it from others too there is a overwhelming warm feeling there, like the emotion that comes with a hug after a long absence.

It's a poor description but it's the best I can do, If any knows what I'm talking about then help me out here.

Away

2007-07-23T10:42:00.000-07:00

So I don't blog much anymore.
Part of me misses it very much, and part of me thinks 'loser, it a time wasting activity'.
Should I blog and share my soul, will people eventually figure out who Yingerman is? Do I care?
Should I just use my blog as an outlet to be real or funny...or build an alter ego that I might use as a crutch.
Tell me please what do I get out of my blog.
Some recognition?
Some occasional laughs, which G-d knows we can all use.
A secret group of friends that frequently changes on the whims of someone's blogroll?
I do enjoy the shackle free conversations that can and do happen here. The nearly racy content is always of interest.
For a while I thought that every woman with a shpitzle was, in fact her, I would stare outta the corner of my eye, that's her heh I should just go ask.
This goes for mooky, I imagined that slightly modern looking, stubborn but with the, been there eyes, that her.
David on the lake, tall dark hair pressed a bit to the side, he'd smoke a pipe if it was still in.
Lakewoodshmuck? well lets not go there.
Chaverah. Hummm short sheital nice shoes, almost short skirt, eye catchy handbag though.
I'm not gonna list everyone just saying that life here, started to hem into real life.
'Hey not fair', you all shout at me 'we are real'.
Of course, but there's real like stuff I can touch and then there's real like George Washington, I mean everybody knows about him but nobodies actually seen him, even though he slept around the north eastern US and he's on the buck.

SWFM is that lady that has a sticker on her purse, that poochy stuck on. And I know the Judes live outta town so you never see them. Hot Chanie has a rather large family, so I never know which is the real her from Frumbabe, Dov bear is that smirking guy , probably thinks he's insufferable know it all, Funkyjew82 is the man with the leather school bag, Dofan akuma is the man with the hunchback (get it?) Sara with no H , is that blond kid with the big open purse ready to grab her camera, Nuch i believe is a Bobover chusid with the appro levush to go with it, lvsn27, is a very shy wispy dark girl . Chaim Chusid's shirt indicates his struggle for control at the weekly kiddush.
Ouch stop throwing tomatoes at me, I'm entitled to my imagination.
Anyway I keep on thinking I spent too much time blogging, which in-turn crept into the rest of my life.

I will post Bli neder/IY"H more, just not sure yet what type of material

ALIVE!

2007-06-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

Yes I am.

OK OK
I didnt write for while 'cause I didn't time. Then I think to me-self, hummmm after a hiatus I should come with something really knockadig. So I procrastinate waiting for the big zaftig'a blog.

Which somehow doesn't materialize...(sigh)

Anyway I got this email which I though all should hear about, ya gotta love cut n' paste.

I am offering you a note of warning and if you care to share this information with your friends, it could be helpful to them as well.
When you drive on the Pallisades Interstate Parkway between New York and Monsey, do not go above 65 and ALWAYS stay in the right lane.
Recently my dear husband got a ticket for speeding and I'd like to enlighten you as to what happens:
1. The cops on this stretch have NO compassion whatsoever -- they are stopping you for a reason and that is to give you a ticket and make sure their Alpine area pulls in as much money as possible from these fines.
2. When you go on the designated day for your ticket to be heard, you will be amongst 200! other people who got stopped for some traffic infraction.
3. You will wait. They hear people's not guilty issues until 10! at night.
4. You have no choice but to wait.
5. If you hire a lawyer, you will go first but you will not get off -- all the ppl who had hired lawyers were the proud recipients of a judgment of $380 (100 fine 30 court fees and 250 for the infraction) to be paid immediately, in addition, of course, to paying your lawyer's fee! (ouch).
6. You will wait -- the judge takes a break during the guilty and not guiltys.
7. You will wait again because the judge takes a dinner break!
8. The cops sit by and watch the unsuspecting people squirming in their seats.
9. There were only two cases that were dismissed. If you'd like to know which ones, ask i'll tell.
10. With pleading guilty and a good excuse (and a good clean driving record) you will "get off" with a quick fine of $95 to $105 (so sweet!).
11. If you have a Jersey license, you will get points and a lowered fine or a higher fine ($380) and no points.
12. If you have a New York License, you get no points (I repeat NO points are transferred from New Jersey to New York).
13. If you do not show up for this ticket on the designated date, you will get arrested the next time you are stopped because an arrest warrant is in place for you with bail already set at this courtroom.
14. End of the day I am here to tell you DONT SPEED ON THE PIP -- they have no compassion. Within one hour they took in $380 every five minutes -- I heard it and saw it with my own eyes.
15. By the way, my husband got off with a guilty and a low fine because he had a good excuse.
16. Save the time for yourself rather than sit in this stone house at the end of the road! You'll do yourself a favor.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Please pass this on to your friends -- especially your Monsey friends.

Still here?
I should add I got me a ticket, for not wearing in seat belt, on 13th ave!
It so happens I was no the way to the mechanic to fix my mirror (glass got stolen) and a new blinker bulb. Sheesh!

The end.

OK I'll post the zaftiga blog soon.....
Really.

New great service!!

2007-04-02T08:34:00.000-07:00

Google has a new service just in time for april first!
http://www.google.com/tisp/press.html

I gotta get one of those!

Gotta love this guy

2007-03-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

Someone cut out and brought in the the original, I ROFL, so Of course I wanted to share.
http://www.nypost.com/seven/03272007/news/regionalnews/matzo_mobile_regionalnews_leonard_greene.htm

Rumor has it the news guys were so impressed, the city officials wont press charges.

Chol hamoed trips?

2007-03-18T14:39:00.000-07:00

AAAAGGGHHHHH!

Yes, as much I love yomim tovim, days off, sleep late, eat drink and be married (yes pun intended) there is always a drawback.
Sure there's the price of ________(fill in with matzos, shoes, clothing, unique edibles), but over all it's great.
BUT.

The but seems to hang there, sorta over my head.
What is the the but?
Chol Hamoed outings.
Every year we have the same issues.
Circus?
I feel it's inappropriate.
Zoo?
The older kids have seen monkeys and get real bored real quick.
Park?
5 minutes and the big ones are itching to to something else.
Great adventure?
Sure $45 bucks a head it's gonna blow a weeks salary......after taxes, maaser and the grocery bill.

So there you have it.
Ok I'm desperate here.
Kids range from the teens to chasidmaydele whom ya'all were graciously mazeltoving me not long ago.

The Psak

2007-03-09T07:47:00.000-08:00

I got this from an old friend who forwarded it to me, i had a good laugh. In the hopes the no one will offended (disclaimer) i give you THE PSAK:

Is it okay to take Viagra on Shabbat?

Michael Bader, a well respected San Francisco psychoanalyst and a member of the Board of
Trustees of Beyt Tikkun Synagogue has brought the following question to our community, and hopes that its best Talmudic scholars might think more about it:

There are two differing schools of thought on whether you can take Viagra on Shabbat:
Beit Shammai forbids the ingestion of Viagra on Shabbat, lest one violates the infraction of erecting a structure("boneh").
Beit Hillel says do not read it as "boneh" but as "boner", and permits the ingestion of Viagra before sundown so long as the Kabbalat Shabbat takes less than one half hour to complete, the kids are asleep, and your wife doesn't have a headache.
And what bracha does one say before taking the Viagra pill?
There is a choice of four blessings:
1. Borei p'ri ha-eitz - blessing over the fruit of the tree;
2. Boruch Atah HaShem zokeif k'fuffim straightens those who are bent;
3. Ya'aleh v'yavo - arise and come;
4. Boruch Atah HaShem mechayei hameitim raises the dead.

Here is a little follow up to the above...
Yes, the anti-impotence drug has been found to contain a tiny amount of animal matter, rendering it - one would think - treif. But, Rabbi Abraham Blumenkrantz zt"l, an American Kashrut expert, said that, as a medication that adds pleasure to the Sabbath (not to mention the rest of the week), it is permissible. But it is banned during Pesach - along with all other agents causing things to rise.

PS I am hereby apologizing to Saratchka up front, its meant to be funny not personal!
>

Shiduchim

2007-03-06T10:18:00.000-08:00

I actually spoke a shidduch.

No nothing came of it, but it was sorta cool.
The info gathering was weird for me. I am not a yenta, actually I avoid gossip like a plague. Sorta like 'I don't wanna know!'.
But now I tell myself, I have know, 'cause it's for a shidduch.

Truth is I don't want to get involved, I know there are thousands looking for their zivug.
I'm not comfortable knowing that Miss Plonet has type 2 diabetes, she handles it on her own or that Yanky Plony stutters, a bit, only when he speaks, and only when he is nervous.
Like on a date?
(sigh)
On the other hand there are those who feel that nothing is good enough.
Here's a sample attempt.
Me: Hello, Is this Mr Plonysohn?
Plonysohn:Yes.
Me: Hi, My name is Chasid Yingerman, do you have a moment?
Plonysohn: (hesitation coming through) uh..yeah.
Me: I know you have a fantastic son learning at the famous Groyskop Yeshiva, and I heard all about his midos and his learning, he is mamesh a top boy. Are you listening to shudichim yet?
Plonysohn:Well, only if it's something really good.
Me: Ahh, perfect because it just so happens that I know this top girl. Have you heard of the Tashen family?
Plonysohn: Sure.
Me: Well I spoke to Reb Teef Tashen yesterday, and he tells me that his daughter Shayna just graduated from Fluff College and was in town until she decided, which seminary minahales, position to take. I also know that if the right boy came along, they would be interested in a shidduch for Shayna.
Plonysohn: Well, let look into it and I'll get back to you.

So far so good right?
Truth is, the one side or probably both, will get back to me and say something along the lines of 'well we're still looking at what else is out there' or 'I want to thank you for thinking of my son and the shidduch is very pasig (appropriate) but at this time we're not interested'.
I usually ask "May I know why your not interested?"
The usual is something along the lines of ' oh we wanted something special'.
Special?
As in lots of Green-freshly-minted-large-denomination-Special?
I now think i understand understand the shidduch crises.

This morning a kid I know, tells me about an 'older boy' maybe 25 (that ancient for chasidishe bochur) If possibly I could set him up with a shiduch. The kid has a sad smile and says good luck, I wiggle my head in puzzlement, he responds "his mother's very picky, nothing is ever good enough.

"Bartender, a zifitz for everybody, on me"

Ad Delo yada

2007-02-26T07:49:00.000-08:00

OK this post is about the general garbage that Purim has DEvolved into.

1. Themes - this has got to be way off the original 'shaloch manos ish l'ra-ayhu'. I mean come on, 7 little kids dressed like pizza delivery dudes bringing a pizza pie made of marzipan?

I spent some time in Israel and I gotta tell you, it was amazing. The kids are dressed a bit weird, like mismatching socks and they bring a plastic plate covered with a napkin. Under the napkin, you'd typically find a fruit and a can of tuna or corn and a couple of cookies or pieces of cake. For the more chashuva person, you might include a bottle of kosher l'pesach grape juice. The fruit, can and wine are put away and the mezonos placed on the table. A few pleasant minutes of 'so, how's the baby - or bubby' and off they go. No expensive 5 foot baskets, no $50 costumes, no leftover mountains of 'kangaroo flavored Chewie Yucks[TM]' to dump when the kids aren't looking.

2. Drinking - I know this is a very serious item, so I'll do this one soberly.

Kids drink. Kids should NOT be drinking, even if its purim. Yes even, or maybe because its Purim. The guy driving his 7 adorable pizza kids might be drunk, at the very least he might have had a drink this morning, just to be able to cope with the pizza kids.

Then there's the idiot of a parent who says 'big deal I drank as a kid, why shouldn't my kid have it as good as I did' or 'My father let us drink, are you saying that my father, zecher tzadik levrocho, was wrong?'

Big problem, remember even as a teen they are little kids, please, please, ich bayte eich alle, someone has to be the responsible adult.

Oh, ad delo yada? It's a MITZVAH to drink. Go ask a rav, any rav, and if the rav by some drunken chance says it's OK to let kids drink, tell the rav in my name he is an apikores and give him my Email. WOW guts! No not really. It just so happens that I own a set of mishna brurah who backs my position on this. There is no MUST drinking if you insist on 'ad delo yada' take nap, that qualifies.

3. Shnoring - oy this one is a toughy.

Yes I think its good for BOYS to collect money on purim, (keeps em from stupid things, like getting drunk) Since kids don't have an income and can't participate in the matonos le'evyonim by giving, this way they can have a big chelek by channelling the money. I figure way over 7 figures, in cash, changing hands on purim, and the BOYS have a big part in it. Which accustoms them to tzedaka and chesed.

I'm getting to the 'BOYS' part. I think that girls should not be shnorring, not that girls don't have to do chesed, it's just I can't see letting my daughters go to a strange home to sell a win-a-trip-of-a-lifetime raffle. Sure its a big mitzvah but common sense says, that es past nish for girls to go, even in a group, sorta not a refined, eidel like, thing to do. Just my opinion of course, the rest of you may subject your daughters to the neighborhood sickos if it pleases you, after a couple of drinks or hours in a small car with 7 zeesa pizza kids.

4. Social life - whatever happened to going to sit at Zaydy/bubby's house for an hour. Now we seem to gravitate to the noise wherever its Happening.

The yeshivas mordechai hatzdik seems to be a good idea too. Imagine on a day off spending some quiet time with a kid in shul somewhere learning, nuts no? I mean I could be doing a mitzvah by drinking a beer, oh, you want me spend time with my kids, heck they can have a beer too! Idiots. Have we drifted so far that we don't realize what Judaism is based on?

Remember, the next generation of erlicha yid is influenced by YOUR actions.

And on that note, I wish all my readers a happy and thoughtful purim!

Of all the wierd places!

2007-02-19T07:49:00.000-08:00

Read this this morning:

JERUSALEM (Reuters) - Israeli police investigating why a car was blocking traffic in the fast lane of a major highway Sunday found a couple inside having sex.
A police spokesman said the female driver and her male passenger gave in to their passions without pulling over to the side of the road, causing congestion and leaving other motorists having to swerve to dodge their stationary vehicle.
A patrolman gave the woman a ticket for holding up traffic.

Hummm just a ticket?
Maybe a towel or a condom.
I was wondering, we are all adults right?
What's the wierdest place you have had....uh.....relations, polite enough?

What? Me first, big talker?
I hear you.
OK.

I fooled around on a NYC subway train once.
More?
I think it was a lighthouse.
But it wasn't very good.
Oh my I think I'm blushing.

Ok I did mine.
PS. If this post is too racy feel free to boycott!

I always loved a good read

2007-02-07T15:28:00.000-08:00

As a kid I read everything I could get my hands on.
When I say everything you can bet that I really mean it.
Everything.
There was very little in the way of Jewish literature. Marcus Lehman, Lubavitch Olumainu magazine and the Jewish Press (feh). There just wasn't much else to read.
So I grew up reading Jules Verne, Mark Twain and the like , all the Hardy boys and Nancy Drew books. Stuff that would be considered heretical nowadays.
I could never get enough, as a typical Hardy Boys book took me about 35 minutes to read.
We had an Encyclopedia Judaica that I read through.
As I got older I read Ellery Queen, Agatha Christie, Erle Stanley Gardner and tons more, point (yes, I noticed that I frequently do that) is I loved a good mystery.
As life is way more hectic, I never have time for a really good read.
I haven't really noticed this aspect of my life being diminished, until I got this Email regarding a weird murder mystery, I read it and naturally loved the story, short as it was.
Having gotten into trouble once before with reposting stories, I checked out Snopes and of course the story is too good to be true but far all you who love a murder mystery with an interesting twist, here's the link to the sight:
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/opus.asp

I gotta get a good book to read, and please don't give me the so called 'jewish' books that dominate the shelves today, their corny I could sit and make these by the dozen, if I typed fast enough.
Any suggestions?

Mazal Tov

2007-01-28T10:17:00.000-08:00

IT'S A GIRL

Spoucy actually wouldn't bring her home if she didn't get a pink outfit. Can you believe that?

Me: OK I'll bring the white sweater set that chasidyingele wore to his bris, and you can go shopping and buy the pink stuff later.

Spoucy: WHAT, WHITE? you're kidding me right?

Me: No, I mean you do wanna get chasidmaydele home, right? So use the white and I'll put the infant car seat and...

Spoucy:NO!

Me: Why not?

Spoucy: (rolling eyes)You don't understand, she's a girl.

Me: Yeah, and so?

Spoucy: Girls wear pink.

Me: But its just to get home.

Spoucy: Not my baby.

Me: Trust me, she wont remember.

Spousy: No.

Are male and female children that different? I think the only thing I found so far is the diaper changing, its a little more difficult cleaning a female after a big poopoo. Otherwise they both think the universe centers around them, especially at 3am. My wife says wiat till the kid is 3 then I'll see that girls have a way of wrapping daddy 'round their little finger.

Hummmm..... we'll see.

Anyway in case you wanted to know, the kid did get home, and yes in pink, long story.

2007-01-15T14:29:00.000-08:00

YUP I stole another one.
This sorta reminds me of the famous 'purim fest' pronunciation by Julius Streicher. (Link provided for the nosy http://www.mindfully.org/Reform/Nazi-Execution-Smith16oct46.htm)

Saddam was right – "Palestine is Arab"
By Charles M. Morseweb posted January 8, 2007
The noose inspires wisdom from Saddam Hussein
Moments before one of the world's last remaining hard-line socialist leaders faced his judgment in the form of a noose tightened around his neck, the former Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein blurted out "Palestine is Arab." And this may have been one of the few times in Saddam's blood soaked career that he spoke the truth.
The fact is that the former Palestine, known today as Israel since having achieved independence from Britain in 1948, is largely Arab today. The majority of the Arabs living in Israel today are Arab Jews. Israel, formerly Palestine, is Arab, Jewish Arab as opposed to Muslim or Christian Arab. This factor plays a major role in the ongoing conflict between Israel and its non-Jewish Arab neighbors.
Arab Jews had always lived in Palestine and in the rest of the Middle East alongside their Arab Muslim and Arab Christian neighbors. Arab Jews began immigrating in large numbers into Palestine, along with European Jews and Arab Muslims, in the later part of the nineteenth century. Jews had been native to the Middle East and North Africa for over a thousand years, centuries before Islamic forces thundered out of the Arabian Peninsula after the death of the Prophet Muhammad in 632 CE.
After the seventh century establishment of the Islamic Arab Caliphate in the Middle East, in lands that had been Christian for centuries previous, native Christians, Jews, and other non-Muslims sank into the humiliating status of dhimmi's or second-class citizens. Christians and Jews were forced to wear special articles of clothing that identified them as non-Muslims, were forced to pay a special tax, and had to contend with many dangers and indignities over centuries of Muslim rule. The non-Muslim experience in the Middle East was comparable to that of African-Americans living in the American south before the civil rights movement.
The emerging Jewish State of Israel represented the establishment of the first democracy in the Middle East. The Arab Jews of Israel, both native and those who immigrated from other Arab and Muslim regions, would achieve equal rights and would experience full emancipation from their dhimmi status in the new state. This fact, and the threat that it represented to the elitist Muslim-Arab effendi, was not lost upon certain Arab-Muslim elitists such as Amin al-Husseini, appointed from an elite Arab Muslim family as Mufti of Jerusalem by the British Governor of Palestine Sir Herbert Samuel in 1922. The Mufti, in his effort to strangle the newly emerging emancipated state, become a close collaborator with Hitler and spent much of World War II living in Berlin.
The emancipation of the Arab Jew from his dhimmi status in the newly established State of Israel threatened the entire authoritarian caste system that had dominated the Arab Muslim Middle East for centuries. The very presence of the free and equal Arab Jew living in his own country threatened to awaken dormant freedom movements from amongst Middle Eastern Christians and from amongst the Arab Muslim poor. This fear was most likely exacerbated in the minds of Arab Muslim elites as they drove Arab Jews out of Iraq, Yemen, and other Arab countries by the hundreds of thousands. These native Arab Jews were subsequently absorbed into the modern Israeli society in the years following Israel's independence.
Certainly European Jews settling in Palestine in the late nineteenth and twentieth centuries spearheaded the modern Zionist movement. They introduced into the region concepts such as democracy, capitalism, and modernity. Many forward thinking and progressive Arab Muslim leaders at the time, such as Faisal, King of Syria and Iraq, scion of the moderate Hashemite clan, and the great grand uncle of the present King of Jordan, welcomed the development of a Jewish State in Palestine. Faisal believed that a Jewish Palestine, existing within "modest and proper" borders, as he wrote to Harvard Law School Dean and later U.S. Supreme Court Justice Felix Frankfurter, would assist the newly emerging post World War I Arab Muslim States enter the new century.
Today, as a result of the continuous and ongoing immigration of Arab Jews into Israel, as well as the high rate of intermarriage between Israeli-Arab Jews and Israeli-European Jews, Israel is more than ever before an essentially Arab society. Saddam was right to point out that Palestine, or Israel as it is now known, is truly Arab. The Arab- Jewish State of Israel is a prosperous, free, and successful society, one that stands as an example of the possibilities that freedom offers to Arab Muslim brethren in the Middle East who yearn for freedom.
Chuck Morse is a former Massachusetts congressional candidate and the author of The Nazi connection to Islamic Terrorism.

2007-01-09T15:31:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning old E-mails and came across this, and I still thought it was funny, so hey I'm gonna share.

A Bowl of Lifesavers

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of
first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.
The children began to say:
" Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange.........orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you
all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

Is this good for us?

2007-01-08T07:14:00.000-08:00

The big news in the hiemisher velt
ELAL CAPITULATED!!

Rah rah break out the bubbly.

I'm not convinced that this is a good thing.
OK OK I hear all you angry sputterers "whaddaya mean, this is great, score 1 point for Shabbos!"
Yeah, trueish, but I'm thinking long run.
Is this really good do the charedim need to make Israeli companies subservient, will there be backlash against the orthodox, did the rabbanim do this under public pressure or out of their siyata d'shmaya from their hearts?

I think the employees of ELAL are happy, they get a definite day off. The financial people might be 'cause now they are pleasing %30 of their customer base (are the other %70 pleased too?)
Will this be a Kiddush Hashem? or just the opposite challila?
Will Elal now also havta provide a mikva and a mechitza of the planes after all you gotta make your customers happy.
I hope Elal has a stronger quarter coming next so the chilunim don't use this as a foil in their constant feeble attempts to justify their not being religious.

Colors

2007-01-03T08:55:00.000-08:00

I sat in a Therapist's office waiting.
As usual, I look at the mags, not really seeing anything.
After a while I get up, stretch, look around a bit. I glance at the noisemaker protecting whoever is in there, from my being a yenta.
I look up at the wall and see an old framed newspaper clipping. Curiosity fueled by boredom encourages me to read it.

When was a boy of 6, my mother used to work with yarn.
Not sweaters or another article of clothing but those 8 by 10 pictures that needed different colors to form some nature or other scenery.
I would often play by myself in games that only 6 year olds understood. My mother would smile at me when I would go past where she sat with her supplies of thread, I in turn would watch her hands moving skillfully.
"Mommy, what are you making?"
My mother eyes appeared distracted as she responded. "Come back soon honey, and I'll show you."
This scenario would repeat it self with small differences as the time moved swiftly by.
After a while, I would stop pestering and just look a my mothers work. From my view, as a 6 year old looking up, I would see the bottom of the frame. Loose threads hanging, an assortment of color, not really anything coherent, just a mess of string.
Finally, after trying to determine by any stretch of my young imagination and coming up empty, I asked again, "Mommy?"
"Yes, honey."
"It doesn't look like a picture. There are light and dark colors all in a jumble." I contemplated the weaving. “I like the light colors better. Couldn't you only use the light colors?"
My mother put her hands down and looked at me the laughter dancing in her eyes "come back in 10 minutes when it's finished and then I'll show it to you."
10 minutes, does a 6 year old really know how long that means, but I walked away, back to my amusements.
Soon enough it came "honey!, come and see."
My mother had placed her work on a side table and reached out to pick me up. Sitting me on her lap, she spread out the embroidery over my knees so that I could see it.
It was beautiful, a wilderness scene with flowing water and assorted wildlife.
"See" said my mother, pointing them out. "There are your light colors and there are the dark. With out the dark threads, it wouldn't be as nice."

Now that I'm older, have gotten married, have kids, been on the road of life for a while, I realize the fact that as diminutive humans, we can't really see the big picture.
As life rushes past us we seem to dwell on the dark threads. Threads that at 'weaving' time, seem completely unnecessary.
How could such catastrophes happen.
And how could G-d allow them to happen.

There is a story told about the Noam Elimelech, that when he was on his deathbed, a student of his, who had children, asked that when the Rebbe got to heaven, he should make sure that the evil decree of the cantonist children, should be abolished.
The Rebbe said he'd look into it.
Not long after that, the Rebbe died.
A few weeks later the Czar's soldiers were tearing apart the town looking for new little boys to be drafted. The student was heartbroken, how could this be, after the Rebbe said he's take care of it.
That night the student had a dream the rebbe was glowing, looked healther than he had in years. On the Rebbe's face was a sad smile.
"Rebbe” started the chusid. "The czar’s men were here again…”The chusid sobbed.
The rebbe spoke “I know mien kind, I know, but know that heaven, this is planned and desired, therefore I won’t prevent it.”

So do we really understand what Hashem wants?
I can only guess that the mesiras nefesh shown by those boys in the czar army and in their later years, made it more valuable than all else. Or maybe it was their father’s tefillos or the mother bitter tears that was required in the place.
I have heard it said that the current Jihad suicide bombers, on the average, really mean it l’shem shomayim, which puts us in bad light. Would we have such mesiras nefesh, if CH"V called upon, not me.
So what’s Hashem to do, well, knowing heaven is l’maale min hazmaan, I think G-d ‘arranged’ some voluntary mesiras nefesh on our part from a generation, that could supply it. Say the Jews of York or from the years 'tach tat' or thousand of others that Hashem has in the bank.
I dare say the account is big enough.

Chaverah's question inverted

2006-12-27T09:23:00.000-08:00

SO Chaverah asked a great question about the nasty habits of men.
And so this blogger wants to know pretty much the same but I'm asking it from a male point of view.

Why do women wear a suit to the grocery.
Why do females think they need makeup.
Why do married women wear shietals with skin/french parts or "natural looks".
Why do girls still naively think that men just 'wanna talk".
Why are female styles geared to accentuate the body.
What in the world are women thinking, trying to squeeze into clothing that's too small/tight for them, to the point that underwear lines show through.
Why do orthodox girls wear those tops that reveal waist when they lean to one side.
Dresses robe and coats that have belts, are those really tzniusdik? Isn't the whole point of the belt to enhance the hourglass shape, and therefore pretzus?

OK OK you get the idea, so knowing how males think, why the heck would females wear this kinda clothing?

The only reasoning I heard is that they want to be seen or as I've heard it put "I wanna look good" and of course the response to that is, look good to who?

Mikva Appointments

2006-12-22T09:47:00.000-08:00

I started this blog, as noted to give insight to the nuances in the life of, as I see it, a typical chasidisher yingerman
OK OK, nobody is a precise example of what the definition, chasidisher yingerman, is supposed to be, and by some of the feedback I get, you guys definitely don’t feel that I’m it, but in my circles, nobody sees me as very different Maybe I'm as it's called ‘a bissel ufgekleirt’ but nothing that would make or break a potential shiduch, somewhere down the road for my kids.

And as the title says, the following is a true account of a mikva appointment that Spousy had or for a lack of a better word, wanted, as I had mentioned to Lakewood Venter, in Lakewood.
What were we doing in Lakewood? At this point you guys musta realized that I live in Brooklyn, right? Sure, I mentioned it a few times, so 'avu kumt' a Brooklyn chasid to Lakewood eir hakodesh?
Easy.
Vacation!
I see all of you scratching your heads, why the heck would you go there?
Minyan? Kosher breakfast?
Well sorta.
The real answer is….the noshim mikva.
Spousy was scheduled to go that night and we didn’t wanna start out on the vakatzia, at 9pm or in the morning.
We travel to tom’s river with a reservation for room.
After a wrong turn due to construction we get to the hotel parking lot, and trying to avoid people like Mrs. Shpitzle, we park round the back. Spousy says, I’m gonna go check in, and she walks towards the office. At that moment a mabul starts…..no kidding, the rain was so thick I could no longer see her. I, of course had jumped back into the car.
After a few minutes the rain gets lighter and I see Spousy under a roof overhang at the side of the building, looks like she didn’t get totally soaked, must have sprinted there on the spur of the mabul.
I try shouting but she can’t hear me with te deafening rain, so with hand motions I point to the car.
She waves no, as in 'are you totally nuts'?
She point to the office, I see the overhang reaches nearly to the office.
I grin and give her the thumbs up.
Eventually I join her at the front desk just a bit damp, and we check in.
The room is satisfactory and we dump our gear.

Now the hard part.
So we went to Lakewood and started shopping for a mikvah.
You can imagine that one, right?
We’re cruisin down Main Street peering out in the fast approaching twilight.
“Wait, wasn’t it over there?”
“Nah it was the other way, “
“You sure?“
“No, but I remember that fire hydrant, “
“Hey look the capital hotel,”
“So?”
“I think its thatta way “
“There, there it is, that funny lookin building”
“Ok I’ll sit here, and wait. “
“An hour?”
“OK lets see, I’ll wait 10 minutes and if you don’t come out I’ll go find a minyan marriv and I’ll be here, or that pump (pointing) in 45 to 50 minutes ok?”
(Nod)
Spousy walks off.
I lean back outta the direct light of the overhead street light.
2 minutes, Spousy comes back.
Oh oh.
“Huh?” (I can be so very eloquent at times)
“You need an appointment.”
I wrinkle my nose in puzzlement.
“Weeks in advance.”
I wrinkle my eyes too “how do you know weeks in advance, when you’re gonna need the mikva?”
Spousy shrugs “beats me.”
She sits in the car, and we both stare out the window.
OK.
Now what.
“There’s gotta be another mikva in town, I mean this is Lakewood.”
“I can call my cousin.”
“I can my friend.”
We look at each other “no way.”
Silence reigns.
“Ok you wanna go back ask the mikva lady, where else we can go?”
“OK.”
Spousy goes back to check.
A couple of minutes later.
“Drive.”
“Where to."
"4 blocks thatta way” Points.
OK
“Mikva lady says that’s the old mikva.”
“Kosher?”
“Sure, just old.”
Blinking “old?”
“Lady said to call this number” Spousy brandishes a piece of paper in front my nose.
The phone is answered by mikva lady 2.
Spousy listen and responds to the cell phone.
Hanging up she turns to me and says “mikva lady 2 lives right here she’ll let me in.”
How do you spell relief?
Spousy gets out and waves to me.
Time passes, we happen to be a block away from a shul, so I go do maariv, and return to the car over an hour passes before Spousy returns.
She doesn’t look the happy relief as usual.
“Huh?” (sympathetic intonation)
“Don’t ask.’
(For unmarried male readers ,first of all you shouldn’t be reading about mikva stuff and second you should know that when a female says ‘don’t ask’ it means I’m gonna complain about this a bunch.)
“Nu?”
“It was a nightmare.”
“Huh.”
“The tub was dirty, mamash filthy.”
“Hmmm.”
“I had to clean it, before I would get in.”
“Ewww.”
“It was full of garbage and even some dead bugs, mikva lady 2 got me some stuff to clean it with.”
“Coulda helped you.”
“You can’t go in there it’s a women’s mikva.”
“Hmmm.”
“And the mikva itself was cold even though mikva lady 2 tried warming it.”
“Tsah.” (clicking with tongue)
“Barely any lighting and the whole place is really run down.”
“Humph.”
“Are you driving towards to hotel in the meantime?”
“Uh huh.”

We only stayed in Toms River that 1 night, after a kosher breakfast in Lakewood, no, no more details. Just suffice it to say we went on to greener pastures.

Ain't that the truth

2006-12-20T08:58:00.000-08:00

HI everybody I know I started this to tell you about the wierd stuff that happens in my life, but somehow these things always seem to be worthwhile publishing. This is an email I got:

The Basics of Islam

The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per
capita in the United States, especially in the minority races!

Allah or Jesus? by Rick Mathes

Last month I attended my annual training session that's
required for maintaining my state prison security clearance.
During the training session there was a presentation by three
Speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim
faiths, who explained each of their beliefs.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to
say.
The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam
Complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for
Questions and Answers.
When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: "Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is a command to all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"
There was no disagreement with my statements and without
hesitation, he replied, "Non-believers!"
I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All
Followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"
The expression on his face changed from one of authority and
command to that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
He sheepishly replied, "Yes."
I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to
Imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your
faith or Dr. Stanley ordering Protestants to do the same in order to go to Heaven!"
The Imam was speechless.
I continued, "I also have a problem with being your friend when you
And your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me.
Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to Heaven and He wants you to be with me?"
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head.
Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the "Diversification" training seminar were not happy with Rick's way of dealing with the Islamic Imam and exposing the truth about the Muslim's beliefs.
I think everyone in the U.S. should be required to read this,
But with the liberal justice system, liberal media, and the ACLU,
there is no way this will be widely publicized.
The author, Rick Mathes, is a well-known leader in prison ministry.

ok ok I know it promotes Jesus, on the hand who cares. If Jesus is a reason for gentiles to act more human, than I'm all for him ;)

2006-12-18T07:33:00.000-08:00

Opened my pc this morning and msn comes up, I always look to see if there's anything of value, before getting my email n' stuff.
Anyway there was this :
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/16259064/
about people doing with less. Can you imagine? People suggesting that they would be happier with less? not having every shmuntzka out there?
Yes! They have come to the conclusion that life needs guidelines. WOW what a concept. they think life can be had, no, life is better with a bit of self control.
Hummmm a novel concept, must have taken years to figure this out.
And to top it off they, having voluntarily tasted this lifestyle say its fulfilling.
So, you think that maybe G-d had it right all these years?
Nah.

2006-12-12T13:49:00.000-08:00

Another un-shamefully stolen news article
from JTA

· The Conservative movement’s highest legal body moved to allow commitment ceremonies for gays and the ordination of gay rabbis. The Committee on Jewish Law and Standards endorsed three opinions Wednesday on homosexuality. Two opinions upheld earlier prohibitions on homosexual activity, but the third endorsed commitment ceremonies and the ordination of gay rabbis, while retaining the biblical ban on male sodomy. Two other opinions that were under consideration, which would have removed all restrictions on gay activity, were declared takanot, or substantial breaks from tradition that would require an absolute majority of the committee members for adoption. They were defeated. For more JTA coverage of this issue, click here.

Why do they still call themselves Jewish?
Shouldn't there be a name for movements , I mean not all christians are called catholics some are called protestants, adventists, mormons etc etc
Can't we call em something like De-frummies or Misnomers?

Aol is a real pain in the ........

2006-12-10T15:22:00.000-08:00

I was reading hiemish in brooklyn and deceided to put this up, I got it a while back.

http://www.break.com/index/aolhell.html

have fun!

Parshe Questions?

2006-12-08T09:23:00.000-08:00

So let me understand this.
Leah davens that her baby and Rachel baby should switch so that Rochel should have 2 boys, no less than the shfachos, whom also had 2 each.
OK, so Dina and Yosef get switched and stuff happens, like the following:

Yosef now from a different mom is the object of hate.
Dina, being a girl, (duh) gets kidnapped and raped, so its Leah's child as opposed to Rochels.
Rochel was scared that if she had no kids, Yakov would divorce her and Eisav would want her, but now due to Leah's t'fila she had Yosef to block her from Eisav's view.

So you guys agree with all that? Weird.

Is this for real?

2006-12-06T12:29:00.000-08:00

This letter was forwarded to me:

Becoming Illegal (From a Iowa resident to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart Senate Office Building Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Donald Simonson Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040. Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great offer!!!!

Fantastic Amazing Miracles

2006-12-04T09:33:00.000-08:00

OK 'happywithlot' asked for a list of coincidences that I personally have seen or am aware, first hand of the details. I originally wrote up the list indicating the recipient of the heavenly intervention, in relation to me, cause it would be more real. But I reconsidered, hey I wanna stay anonymous. So at the cost of diluting the impact of these 'coincidences' I changed the names.

My "Plony" went to a rebbe (deceased) with a kvitel. My "Plony" has a bunch of kids one of whom is not currently married in their 30s. Inadvertently he left out that child, a female who the rebbe had never met. The rebbe scans the list and says with a frown 'didn't you leave one out?' there was no way for him to know this, short of some sorta divine inspiration.
My "PlonyII" had an issue with a "Ben Esav" regarding a lawsuit over some property. After conferring with a lawyer he understood that his legal position didn't look to good, so off he went for a broche at a rebbe (still alive at this writing). The rebbe listens and then closes his eyes. After a moment he opens his eyes and asks by my granddad for the court date. Hearing the date (sometime in Adar) the rebbe blessed my "PlonyII" and told him not to worry. Mr "Ben Esav" was killed by a car 3 days before the case.
My "PlonyIII" worked at several jobs before the one he is at now, sometimes doing just OK. After certain bumps in the road he decides to buy a business. He find something he can do and goes to the Rebbe(deceased) for a broche. The business is old and not doing well but my "PlonyIII" insists that the rebbe promises him it's going to succeed. He's doing very well and works maybe 30 hours a week.
Spousy's "Plonet" was told by her obstetrician it the beginning of her 2nd trimester that her baby in-utero had a birth defect and at best would be slow. As observant Jews they couldn't abort the baby. Her Hubby went to his Rebbe (alive and kicking) who promises him that the baby will be fine but to please travel to Rabbi X to get his broche. She carried the baby to term filled with worry. The baby is B"H fine, a bit short maybe.
Last night I went to the ?????? ????? Rebbe visiting from Yerushalayim. I have never been to him before. He looked at my kvitel and asked 2 things that are the exact priorities in my life now. Blew me away.

More?

Do you really need a shopping list, to make you believe in a Supreme Being?

Go talk to someone with numbers tattooed on their arms, or someone that lived though 9/11 in NYC, that should be enough. Those who have wool over their eyes should know that wool makes me itch.

Bitch of a hubby

2006-12-03T10:19:00.000-08:00

The last couple of weeks, The jewish Press has been running responses to letter, originally sent in by a guy complaining that his wife, who was a beaut, is now a chub. He works in a downtown office full of 'Hot Chanies' and is rather miffed that at night he's gotta come home to chubb.

The paper has been printing responses both ways.
One typical response is, the hubby is a jerk and he should love his wife purely due to her investing her life in raising the 3 kids, which is the number one reason she got heavy to begin with.
Second response is more along the line of why do some let themselves go and turbans and houserobes should be banned altogether.
Then there are other non sectarian responses, and those are my favorites.
The woman who writes that she is a Hot Chanie and is having an affair. And there's the Hot Chanie who wishes to be Housecoat Hennie with the patience for floor time with the kiddies.
Feh...... nobodies happy.

Anyway this reminds me of a night out, I had with my wife and a friend of hers. Yes, once apon a time, in a land far away. ( I don't do that anymore, I've outgrown it, thankfully. Hey, I'm not proud of it.)
Anyway we ate out or a movie, I don't remember. When the activity was over, we walked back to the car. Some dude jogged past us and one of our party remarked "is he (the jogger) going to our car too?"
"Bet I can get there first"
"Bet you, I can"
"Yeah, lets see."
So me and the friend ran to the car and waited for my wife to get there.
She was furious.
She didn't show it till we dumped the friend, then the music started.
How dare I play with another woman. We went out. to have a good time and I run off with her.
I pointed out that she wasn't my friend and I wasn't the one who invited her.
But as she was a Unmarried Hot Chanie and was friendly and I, well I was guilty.
Even though I didn't put myself into a tight spot by inviting her, I still allowed myself to flirt.
The race, yeah I won but I lost respect.
It was that easy and in front of my wife too.
I understand how easy it is to get involved with someone you shouldn't.
I also know that while temptation is easy the results are disastrous.
A co-worker of mine is divorced, for the 3rd time. She was a Hot Chanie and wanted to marry 'Macho Moshe or Kool Kalman, which her hubby wasn't. He was a regular run of the mill guy.
So after a couple of years, she dumps him and hooks up with dude II. Naturally it doesn't last and as a still warm Chanie she gets dude III, with the same results.
So, she is still tall & blond but now she has grandkids who don't wanna visit cause she lives alone, in a small 1 and a half room, bug infested apartment. Works 2 jobs instead of babysitting the grandkids and baking them cookies.
Pity her? Yes I guess I do.
I can't help but feel she stepped into it on purpose.

I guess Hashem gave me enough brains to wisen up before....
I am in in a better situation? Will it last? Do I worry to much?
Who knows.

2006-11-30T08:03:00.000-08:00

G-d loves me.
Just this morning, He showed me love.
How?
Ahhh, If I tell you, the skeptics will say 'eeh just a coincidence' but the believers will smile.

The story?
OK OK, hold your horsies, I'm gettin to it.
I was on line, in a store when I saw 2 'Hot Chanies' walking by, well, I only saw their heads.
Being a male is what what made my head involuntarily swivel towards them.
I paused and expected them to walk right between 2 parked cars so that I could be zoicha to see what cuts of meat were attached to those heads. (Sorry, I need lots of work in that department.) So while my head is moving that way and my morality pushing back, but failing miserably, a mini van double parks just so that it blocks my view.
Awwwww, what disappointment, I'm gonna resign myself to not getting a good look, but hey look, just behind the mini van is another opening. If I'm shallow enough, I can just wait it out, after all, I'm still on line here.
The line moves up, the cashier take the customer ahead of me. I look out the window again. I dont wanna look a whole time, someone will see the chasidisher yingerman staring at froen, I timed it just right, the Hot Chanies are just about to be visible between the cars.
The minivan backs up.
Blocking my view.
I laugh out loud.
HASHEM LOVES ME.
The other customers think I'm nuts. Everybody loves to be first in line, but to laugh loudly?
I don't care.

Money money money If I had a little money.......

2006-11-29T13:25:00.000-08:00

I watch guys drive down the avenue in their shiny Suv's, their wives in expensive suits on a regular Tuesday.
"What does that guy do for living anyway?"
Mentally I go over what my life cost me.....without any extras.
Rent $1500 monthly
Tuition $1700 for all the kids monthly
Gas bill 2-3 hundred a month.
Phone about $50
Cell another $50
Car insurance $150
Life insurance $100
Electric anywhere from 100 to 300 depending on the time of year.
Food about $1000 (hey' that's about 250 a week including Shabbos and etc like diapers)
So far I'm up to nearly $5000 a month and I didn't count clothing and other necessities like haircuts, school pics and other school supplies that pop up just when I'm really short. Shul membership, gasoline to justify my car insurance payments.
Then you got Special times of the year like buying hand made matzos or giving all the kids chanuka gelt.
Then you have to factor in the big one.
Yes I'm talking about the summer (ahhhhh( tortured scream)) you guys know what bungalows cost, right?
Add into this the traveling and higher cost of keeping up with the Cohens, after all 'vee pas't az they have a outdoor-super-duper-deluxe-all-in-one-instantly-hot-never-needs-maintanence-with-extra-shmuntzkes-grill! We gotta get the new better model, right? And the shabbos kiddush, I mean 6 kugals aren't enough and Yankle Shikurboim, bought a 4 liter bottle of Johnny Walker purple label at $500 a bottle. (I think this deserves it's own post - in a couple of months)
Feh.
And sleep-away camp at 4 gees a kid!

Where does all that cash come from?
Anybody?
'Cause I could use some.

New news is old news

2006-11-28T12:12:00.000-08:00

HEH I KNEW IT.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=419040&in_page_id=1879

Can't even get any feminist backlash over this.

2006-11-27T08:11:00.000-08:00

This was unshamefully stolen from CNN:

Directly addressing the Palestinians in some of his most conciliatory remarks since winning election in March, Olmert described Israel as willing to make far-reaching concessions if the Palestinians choose peace.
"We, the state of Israel, will agree to the evacuation of many territories and the settlements that we built there. This is extremely difficult for us, like the splitting of the Red Sea. We will do it for real peace," he said

Difficult as splitting the red sea. I wonder if Olmert broke a sweat during 'diffcult' task.

I find it amazing that totally secular Jews spice their daily language with biblical terms.

Getting hot under the collar

2006-11-23T10:56:00.001-08:00

I noticed on several blogs that some get offended by the infighting, like, nah I’m not gonna name names. You all know what I’m talking about, and if not, well, you’re one lucky ostridge.
What I did wanna explain was why the uh...(mumble and blush) gay, (resume regular voice) issue was largely ignored by most ‘hiemish’ papers.
OK show of hands, who remembers the Mel Gibson commotion? Hey wait, not that one, not the drunk anti-semite stuff, I’m referring to the religious movie he produced a while ago.
It was a mediocre film about a guy who had a violent death. Typical Mel Gibson flick. Right?
Except that this films main character depicted a Jew. So what?
Well being of a religious nature the watchdogs went to sniff it out.
Then they started barking.
Did you ever pass a barking dog, and not follow the animals line of sight, just to satisfy the yenta in you, to see what the heck is going on?
No, me neither.
So the leader of the Confederation-Of-Hiemish-And-Not-So-Hiemish-Groups, goes to see the ‘religious’ movie. When asked what he thought of it, he can’t admit that he slept through most of it, so he puts on his most pretentious face and says “hey wait a cotton pickin' minute, this worldwide, big budget, sure to be famous, major motion picture, is RACIST!”
Ouch!
You bet after that solemn pronouncement, everybody just had to see, just exactly what was racist about it.
And the, niche market film, indeed went on, to become a, worldwide, big budget, sure to be famous, major motion picture.
I and lots of others, I’m sure, winced our way down the streets for a couple of months until the next scandal or shmootz, came along to help us out.
So about the gay parade?
Who says that, having my blissfully ignorant (on adult matters) kids and their buddies talk about it at school, will actually make it go away?
Protest?
Heck yes, it bothers me that of all places in the whole wide world, they have to show perversion in Yerushalayim.
But do I want a ruckus? Absolutely not!
Figured that would have only drawn a bigger crown and given more attention to the parade.
Sadly I was right.

Telemarketeers

2006-11-23T07:38:00.000-08:00

I can't stand these calls.
Even with the new do not call register, some how I still get some doozies.
A friend of mine sent me this link
http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/
Its a recorded phone call, so if your at work get permission from your boss!
See ya round.

Another explanation by request

2006-11-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

Yup I doin' it again, on the other hand I really don't mind and have no problem answering any of these questions (hint, send me questions).
http://perturbedmom.blogspot.com/ asked why men don't feel comfortable walking home their female friend, alone especially friday night after the shabbos meal.
OK a couple of things, first most men do not feel at ease with the opposite sex. It takes a while to understand how to relate, how friendly they should be, if comments made will be taken at face value (as you women are not wont to do, what?, women tend to read into things more than men)Men, normal guys, who are happily married, don't want the woman to feel that even if he is friendly there is absolutely no emotional attachment meant. Women make friends and hug and kiss and develop a kind of endearment with friends - men don't.Men can bash each others brains in but 3 minutes later share a beer, with no emotional baggage.I love my wife and (both my male and) female kids. I even love my sisters and mom to a lesser degree. But do I love my buddies, no way.
Second issue "there is no such a thing as a platonic relationship"and as "there is no such a thing as a platonic relationship"How should a guy treat the woman while walking her home?Conversation would be distant, making her uncomfortable. Therefore the guy as perceived as a jerk, why would he wanna put him self in that position.On the other hand even if she doesn't take it as such, the guy will feel flirty, if he acts friendly, thereby infringing on the faithfulness to his wife. Because in real life 'there is no such a thing as a platonic relationship". If you think otherwise, as I'm sure lots of you do, you have the right to fool yourselves.
Any man who will admit to the truth will agree to this.
Better yet ask any accepted Jewish spiritual leader (Rabbi mark/stephen etc, need not apply)
and they will agree to this concept.
Last note, friday night/shobbos eve, is a special time for couples, the warm glow, residual of the chicken soup, is likely to spill over into the bedroom. Why would a guy (or his wife) want to walk and talk with others much less a female.

Respectfully I await the wrath, compliments accepted of course ;)

2006-11-20T08:23:00.000-08:00

I promised Chavera I would explain the brocha of "Shelo usanu esha"
OK here goes nuffin!
Davening is not for Hashem! No the L-rd needs nothing from us puny humans.
Well maybe a small token of appreciation.
Hashem made the world to fill a need, namely to do good.
Yes, the Aibishter likes to do chesed.
So you need a recipient for this chesed, hence little helpless sniveling humans. (that's us)
OK, so the world is created and let the chesed roll.
Now for short note, to paraphrase Arnold Fine i'll give you 'ah farinstance'. You buy lolly pops to give to 2 kids, you tell 'em that they get the lollies when the clean up their toys. 1 does an excellent job and earns the lolly. The other does a bit and then whines until he gets his lolly. Who do think enjoyed the lolly more. Doesn't the kid that earned it, enjoy it more, the geshmake feeling of earning your own is very satisfying. Not to mention you the giver, you feel way better giving the earner his lolly, doncha?
So Hashem is giving lollies, the earner and G-d, way more enjoy this exchange, then the freeloader, who will always grumble. Look around, you know some of 'em.
So working with assumption that Hashem likes giving to those who follow instructions, the Torah is created to provide such instructions. Personally I think G-d has a great sense of humor with some of the mitzvos, but all in all they do a body good.
So those who listen win fabulous prizes and those who don't still get, 'cause G-d is great! But they get, with a sigh.
Now Hashem need humans on a constant basis, so humans need to reproduce. OK to solve that, G-d introduced desire, I mean we could've grown on trees like apples, right?
So the good L-rd creates 2 types of humans, both species are needed to procreate but they are distinct. There are those who will create the new humans and those that will build what humans need to survive.
Let us use Adam and Chava.
Adam's instructions:
Arrange food and shelter.
Provide for your wife and kiddies this and whatever else falls into the miscellaneous folder
whether you get a office job, count sheep or plow fields is up to you, but that's your job.
Chava's Instructions:
Make sure the human race continues.
(sorry to those who get offended but I am not making this up. I believe this to be Torah values! I didn't write that woman couldn't be a lawyer, astronaut, cook, shlepper president or anything else she darn wants to be, I'm just saying that This is the way Judaism presents the family unit, and it, as all Torah values, work well.)
The female is given a G-d like ability to create life, she is made closer to a G-d like image than the male. In return, she is to use this gift to bring forth and nurture kids. And while there are exceptions, as a rule, women are way more capable of doing it.
What does all this have to do with the 3 brochos?
Well as hakoras hatov, we daven, not 'cause Hashem needs it, we daven to express thanx.
So we thank for what Hashem gave and will give.
This matnas chinum (free stuff) can be earned to a degree, by mitzvos, so everybody do as many as you can, but some might say 'hey its not fair, G-d told me to be busy with my children'.
True kids come first, and so says the L-rd "henceforth women are exempt from time based mitzvos and they can rack up more heaven points by just lovin' those kiddiepoos".
So in order
Ggentiles have only about 7 mitzvos (poor souls).
Jewish slaves have more.
Jewish women have even more.
Jewish men have most.
Get it?

The women express their, replacement heaven points, by saying 'thank you creating me more like yourself, your will'. Basically thanx for giving me the G-d like gift of creation! Women are more in tune with G-d than males.
Which also explains the mikva going, one purifies oneself before engaging in G-d's work.

OK 1 more point, if all this is true, then why the negative connotations, thanx that I'm not this and not that.
There is a famous Gemara that discusses whether it's better to be born or not, strictly from the human point of view. The conclusion is, that it's better not to ever arrive on this world.
So instead of thanking in the positive, the Great Assembly wrote these brachos the other way. Sorta I'd rather not be here, but since I already am, thanx for at least giving us the Torah Mitzvos to keep me going. And since you already created me, thanx for not making a gentile slave or a woman. At least I got lotsa mitzvos. And the women say thanx for making me more G-d like in the positive, 'cause they're happier with their lot!

Breath breath breath.
OK I think I got everything, if not give me a holler.

Old news....for some

2006-11-19T07:55:00.000-08:00

Hey anybody read this:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/15701301/site/newsweek/

Big deal right? After all we knew this all along!

Movies

2006-11-16T13:55:00.000-08:00

TV and big screen.
When I was younger I had lotsa time to watch 'em.
Now B"H the kids are older, and spousy and I have very little free time on our hands.
We used to go out to eat and an occasional movie.

Not anymore now we do homework, the usual 'what's for supper tomorrow?', paperwork, laundry, etc.

Do I miss the old times? Nah.

Point?
As I get older and appreciate different things and different aspects of life, I realize that, sure I enjoyed the flicks as much as the next guy, but the enjoyment was rather short lived.
Watching a good movie, draws you in into the story, I mean that's the point of it, right? So for one hour and 38 minutes you are in another world.
The other world imparts new thoughts and feelings that become part of one's psych, whether you want it or not.

I was reading on other blog sites about the shiduch scene or crises, new marriages such as what was written lately at http://shpitzle.blogspot.com/.
Ya know something, I really believe that movies skew the real view of things and how they should be.
An old friend of mine, divorced, falling off the derech, was looking to try again. so he calls every shadchan in the book and some that weren't.
He goes on dates.
Some days he comes to work with a smile and some days he grumbles all day.
We talked, he said he wanted a hot girl gorgeous with long hair.
I smile, been there done that, think I know better.
Eventually he shows up with the good news and a week later brings her in for us to check out.

Uuum....ok.....I would not have placed her in the HOT column, but hey what do I know, every pots got its cover. Yeah she was a size 2 and she did have long dark hair, but......
Whatever.

Anyway they got married, I still have the bencher.
I suppose you wanna know what happened ,there could be 2 major possibilities here:
1. They had a kid pregnancy made her fat, she cut off her hair to fit under the sheital. So he didn't really get what he wanted. Or did he?
2. He realized that long dark hair doesn't actually do anything and got divorced within 6 months B"H with out having any kids.

Nope.
I'm not gonna tell you.
Sorry.

I'm just gonna finish my point here. I think that 'Movies' have changed the way we, and mean males AND females, perceive our values.
Warner Bros tells us which parts of the body should be what size we stupidly nod and believe.

There is a pasuk in the Torah when yakov wakes in the morning and 'hinay he leah'.
'surprise- it's Leah'.
What happened to the woman he wanted to marry?
I think that the average guy goes out once twice or even fifty times with a girl.
Thinks he knows her.
But the day or maybe even weeks later 'v'hinay he leah'.
Don't marry the bombshell, cause when you peel off the clothing and the makeup, the shell, all you're left with is a bomb.
Most women do not remain a size 2 for very long boys check out the long term built in features.
Humor, smile, politeness, yes do marry her for brain.
I'm not saying she should be ugly, chas v'sholom until love sets in, at least be attracted to her, helps can't hurt.
But I keep on reading about how the girls complain that they seem to only date guys who want a size 2.
Yup that creates a shiduch crises.

I think they are dating fools and should be happy that the boys aren't interested, who wants to spend their life with someone who really wants to marry Ms. Osgedarta Shiksa.
Those are the guys who let movies influence their values.
Leave em be they'll grow up, eventually?

New blog New Story

2006-11-16T13:29:00.000-08:00

So I agreed it was a great idea to tell em the male point of view.

Where to start and what to share hummmmm.....
Wedding night(mare)?
Early small talk sessions?
Chossan kalla chats?
Chosson shver/shviger chats!!?

Gotta take slow, but I'll share 1 thing that comes to mind with painful clarity.

The first 'regular' shabbos, you know the first shabbos after sheva brachos shabbos, when the young couple gets to eat out, at Fress-du-la-Shviger.
Ya gotta picture the nervous state we were in, her at my place and me at hers.So I do kiddush loud, that went ok,but sure didnt help me relax, then after washing I get to cut my own full size challa.The shver hands me his sterling silver fancy shmancy engraved challa knife. I make a frummy hamotie out loud (no mistakes!) and start cutting.
(I think it was probably more more amusing from my younger brother-in-laws point of view so at this point I'm gonna switch)
The young choson jumped up with a small yelp. A small spatter of dark red blood went, as if in slow motion, from his hand to the plastic on the table. The chair he was sitting on tilted back against the wall and stayed in a leaning position.
(switching back)
I grab my forefinger that just dirtied the shvigers table cloth and applied pressure. Feeling like a total shlamiel I forced an apologetic smile "oh it's nothing I 'll be right back".The nearest bathroom was to my right, right past my wife of 10 whole days. I saw the expression on her face, a mixture of 'is he for real' and 'oh my lord'.That really helped thing along nicely.
I tried to pass her but as my chair was wedged between me and the wall, my legs keeping the chair from slipping down to a marble floor. I couldn't grab the chair, as one hand was pressing the other tightly as so not to bleed all over the place. My spouse, by now recovering from shock couldn't move the chair as we were ahem 10 days after our chasuna, and it was leaning on me.So as time dragged out (it was probably 5 seconds but seemed like several years- you know what I'm talkin about I'm sure you've all been there) I decided to use a combo of leg pushing and fingers from both hands to right the chair. With my tail between my legs I quickly walked to the bathroom and cleaned up my finger, but my ego would not come clean. My wife had followed me out had to convince me for nearly five minutes that its no big deal.Even though my sister-in-law (bless her heart) had cleaned up the mess and knife, it was a long long time before the shver let me use it again, just about the same time my ego recovered!

Hey anybody else wanna share ?You know blogsvillians love a good story post em!