Thursday, November 30, 2006

G-d loves me.
Just this morning, He showed me love.
Ahhh, If I tell you, the skeptics will say 'eeh just a coincidence' but the believers will smile.

The story?
OK OK, hold your horsies, I'm gettin to it.
I was on line, in a store when I saw 2 'Hot Chanies' walking by, well, I only saw their heads.
Being a male is what what made my head involuntarily swivel towards them.
I paused and expected them to walk right between 2 parked cars so that I could be zoicha to see what cuts of meat were attached to those heads. (Sorry, I need lots of work in that department.) So while my head is moving that way and my morality pushing back, but failing miserably, a mini van double parks just so that it blocks my view.
Awwwww, what disappointment, I'm gonna resign myself to not getting a good look, but hey look, just behind the mini van is another opening. If I'm shallow enough, I can just wait it out, after all, I'm still on line here.
The line moves up, the cashier take the customer ahead of me. I look out the window again. I dont wanna look a whole time, someone will see the chasidisher yingerman staring at froen, I timed it just right, the Hot Chanies are just about to be visible between the cars.
The minivan backs up.
Blocking my view.
I laugh out loud.
The other customers think I'm nuts. Everybody loves to be first in line, but to laugh loudly?
I don't care.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Money money money If I had a little money.......

I watch guys drive down the avenue in their shiny Suv's, their wives in expensive suits on a regular Tuesday.
"What does that guy do for living anyway?"
Mentally I go over what my life cost me.....without any extras.
Rent $1500 monthly
Tuition $1700 for all the kids monthly
Gas bill 2-3 hundred a month.
Phone about $50
Cell another $50
Car insurance $150
Life insurance $100
Electric anywhere from 100 to 300 depending on the time of year.
Food about $1000 (hey' that's about 250 a week including Shabbos and etc like diapers)
So far I'm up to nearly $5000 a month and I didn't count clothing and other necessities like haircuts, school pics and other school supplies that pop up just when I'm really short. Shul membership, gasoline to justify my car insurance payments.
Then you got Special times of the year like buying hand made matzos or giving all the kids chanuka gelt.
Then you have to factor in the big one.
Yes I'm talking about the summer (ahhhhh( tortured scream)) you guys know what bungalows cost, right?
Add into this the traveling and higher cost of keeping up with the Cohens, after all 'vee pas't az they have a outdoor-super-duper-deluxe-all-in-one-instantly-hot-never-needs-maintanence-with-extra-shmuntzkes-grill! We gotta get the new better model, right? And the shabbos kiddush, I mean 6 kugals aren't enough and Yankle Shikurboim, bought a 4 liter bottle of Johnny Walker purple label at $500 a bottle. (I think this deserves it's own post - in a couple of months)
And sleep-away camp at 4 gees a kid!

Where does all that cash come from?
'Cause I could use some.

Monday, November 27, 2006

This was unshamefully stolen from CNN:

Directly addressing the Palestinians in some of his most conciliatory remarks since winning election in March, Olmert described Israel as willing to make far-reaching concessions if the Palestinians choose peace.
"We, the state of Israel, will agree to the evacuation of many territories and the settlements that we built there. This is extremely difficult for us, like the splitting of the Red Sea. We will do it for real peace," he said

Difficult as splitting the red sea. I wonder if Olmert broke a sweat during 'diffcult' task.

I find it amazing that totally secular Jews spice their daily language with biblical terms.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Getting hot under the collar

I noticed on several blogs that some get offended by the infighting, like, nah I’m not gonna name names. You all know what I’m talking about, and if not, well, you’re one lucky ostridge.
What I did wanna explain was why the uh...(mumble and blush) gay, (resume regular voice) issue was largely ignored by most ‘hiemish’ papers.
OK show of hands, who remembers the Mel Gibson commotion? Hey wait, not that one, not the drunk anti-semite stuff, I’m referring to the religious movie he produced a while ago.
It was a mediocre film about a guy who had a violent death. Typical Mel Gibson flick. Right?
Except that this films main character depicted a Jew. So what?
Well being of a religious nature the watchdogs went to sniff it out.
Then they started barking.
Did you ever pass a barking dog, and not follow the animals line of sight, just to satisfy the yenta in you, to see what the heck is going on?
No, me neither.
So the leader of the Confederation-Of-Hiemish-And-Not-So-Hiemish-Groups, goes to see the ‘religious’ movie. When asked what he thought of it, he can’t admit that he slept through most of it, so he puts on his most pretentious face and says “hey wait a cotton pickin' minute, this worldwide, big budget, sure to be famous, major motion picture, is RACIST!”
You bet after that solemn pronouncement, everybody just had to see, just exactly what was racist about it.
And the, niche market film, indeed went on, to become a, worldwide, big budget, sure to be famous, major motion picture.
I and lots of others, I’m sure, winced our way down the streets for a couple of months until the next scandal or shmootz, came along to help us out.
So about the gay parade?
Who says that, having my blissfully ignorant (on adult matters) kids and their buddies talk about it at school, will actually make it go away?
Heck yes, it bothers me that of all places in the whole wide world, they have to show perversion in Yerushalayim.
But do I want a ruckus? Absolutely not!
Figured that would have only drawn a bigger crown and given more attention to the parade.
Sadly I was right.


I can't stand these calls.
Even with the new do not call register, some how I still get some doozies.
A friend of mine sent me this link
Its a recorded phone call, so if your at work get permission from your boss!
See ya round.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Another explanation by request

Yup I doin' it again, on the other hand I really don't mind and have no problem answering any of these questions (hint, send me questions). asked why men don't feel comfortable walking home their female friend, alone especially friday night after the shabbos meal.
OK a couple of things, first most men do not feel at ease with the opposite sex. It takes a while to understand how to relate, how friendly they should be, if comments made will be taken at face value (as you women are not wont to do, what?, women tend to read into things more than men)Men, normal guys, who are happily married, don't want the woman to feel that even if he is friendly there is absolutely no emotional attachment meant. Women make friends and hug and kiss and develop a kind of endearment with friends - men don't.Men can bash each others brains in but 3 minutes later share a beer, with no emotional baggage.I love my wife and (both my male and) female kids. I even love my sisters and mom to a lesser degree. But do I love my buddies, no way.
Second issue "there is no such a thing as a platonic relationship"and as "there is no such a thing as a platonic relationship"How should a guy treat the woman while walking her home?Conversation would be distant, making her uncomfortable. Therefore the guy as perceived as a jerk, why would he wanna put him self in that position.On the other hand even if she doesn't take it as such, the guy will feel flirty, if he acts friendly, thereby infringing on the faithfulness to his wife. Because in real life 'there is no such a thing as a platonic relationship". If you think otherwise, as I'm sure lots of you do, you have the right to fool yourselves.
Any man who will admit to the truth will agree to this.
Better yet ask any accepted Jewish spiritual leader (Rabbi mark/stephen etc, need not apply)
and they will agree to this concept.
Last note, friday night/shobbos eve, is a special time for couples, the warm glow, residual of the chicken soup, is likely to spill over into the bedroom. Why would a guy (or his wife) want to walk and talk with others much less a female.

Respectfully I await the wrath, compliments accepted of course ;)

Monday, November 20, 2006

I promised Chavera I would explain the brocha of "Shelo usanu esha"
OK here goes nuffin!
Davening is not for Hashem! No the L-rd needs nothing from us puny humans.
Well maybe a small token of appreciation.
Hashem made the world to fill a need, namely to do good.
Yes, the Aibishter likes to do chesed.
So you need a recipient for this chesed, hence little helpless sniveling humans. (that's us)
OK, so the world is created and let the chesed roll.
Now for short note, to paraphrase Arnold Fine i'll give you 'ah farinstance'. You buy lolly pops to give to 2 kids, you tell 'em that they get the lollies when the clean up their toys. 1 does an excellent job and earns the lolly. The other does a bit and then whines until he gets his lolly. Who do think enjoyed the lolly more. Doesn't the kid that earned it, enjoy it more, the geshmake feeling of earning your own is very satisfying. Not to mention you the giver, you feel way better giving the earner his lolly, doncha?
So Hashem is giving lollies, the earner and G-d, way more enjoy this exchange, then the freeloader, who will always grumble. Look around, you know some of 'em.
So working with assumption that Hashem likes giving to those who follow instructions, the Torah is created to provide such instructions. Personally I think G-d has a great sense of humor with some of the mitzvos, but all in all they do a body good.
So those who listen win fabulous prizes and those who don't still get, 'cause G-d is great! But they get, with a sigh.
Now Hashem need humans on a constant basis, so humans need to reproduce. OK to solve that, G-d introduced desire, I mean we could've grown on trees like apples, right?
So the good L-rd creates 2 types of humans, both species are needed to procreate but they are distinct. There are those who will create the new humans and those that will build what humans need to survive.
Let us use Adam and Chava.
Adam's instructions:
Arrange food and shelter.
Provide for your wife and kiddies this and whatever else falls into the miscellaneous folder
whether you get a office job, count sheep or plow fields is up to you, but that's your job.
Chava's Instructions:
Make sure the human race continues.
(sorry to those who get offended but I am not making this up. I believe this to be Torah values! I didn't write that woman couldn't be a lawyer, astronaut, cook, shlepper president or anything else she darn wants to be, I'm just saying that This is the way Judaism presents the family unit, and it, as all Torah values, work well.)
The female is given a G-d like ability to create life, she is made closer to a G-d like image than the male. In return, she is to use this gift to bring forth and nurture kids. And while there are exceptions, as a rule, women are way more capable of doing it.
What does all this have to do with the 3 brochos?
Well as hakoras hatov, we daven, not 'cause Hashem needs it, we daven to express thanx.
So we thank for what Hashem gave and will give.
This matnas chinum (free stuff) can be earned to a degree, by mitzvos, so everybody do as many as you can, but some might say 'hey its not fair, G-d told me to be busy with my children'.
True kids come first, and so says the L-rd "henceforth women are exempt from time based mitzvos and they can rack up more heaven points by just lovin' those kiddiepoos".
So in order
Ggentiles have only about 7 mitzvos (poor souls).
Jewish slaves have more.
Jewish women have even more.
Jewish men have most.
Get it?

The women express their, replacement heaven points, by saying 'thank you creating me more like yourself, your will'. Basically thanx for giving me the G-d like gift of creation! Women are more in tune with G-d than males.
Which also explains the mikva going, one purifies oneself before engaging in G-d's work.

OK 1 more point, if all this is true, then why the negative connotations, thanx that I'm not this and not that.
There is a famous Gemara that discusses whether it's better to be born or not, strictly from the human point of view. The conclusion is, that it's better not to ever arrive on this world.
So instead of thanking in the positive, the Great Assembly wrote these brachos the other way. Sorta I'd rather not be here, but since I already am, thanx for at least giving us the Torah Mitzvos to keep me going. And since you already created me, thanx for not making a gentile slave or a woman. At least I got lotsa mitzvos. And the women say thanx for making me more G-d like in the positive, 'cause they're happier with their lot!

Breath breath breath.
OK I think I got everything, if not give me a holler.

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Old news....for some

Hey anybody read this:

Big deal right? After all we knew this all along!

Thursday, November 16, 2006


TV and big screen.
When I was younger I had lotsa time to watch 'em.
Now B"H the kids are older, and spousy and I have very little free time on our hands.
We used to go out to eat and an occasional movie.

Not anymore now we do homework, the usual 'what's for supper tomorrow?', paperwork, laundry, etc.

Do I miss the old times? Nah.

As I get older and appreciate different things and different aspects of life, I realize that, sure I enjoyed the flicks as much as the next guy, but the enjoyment was rather short lived.
Watching a good movie, draws you in into the story, I mean that's the point of it, right? So for one hour and 38 minutes you are in another world.
The other world imparts new thoughts and feelings that become part of one's psych, whether you want it or not.

I was reading on other blog sites about the shiduch scene or crises, new marriages such as what was written lately at
Ya know something, I really believe that movies skew the real view of things and how they should be.
An old friend of mine, divorced, falling off the derech, was looking to try again. so he calls every shadchan in the book and some that weren't.
He goes on dates.
Some days he comes to work with a smile and some days he grumbles all day.
We talked, he said he wanted a hot girl gorgeous with long hair.
I smile, been there done that, think I know better.
Eventually he shows up with the good news and a week later brings her in for us to check out.

Uuum....ok.....I would not have placed her in the HOT column, but hey what do I know, every pots got its cover. Yeah she was a size 2 and she did have long dark hair, but......

Anyway they got married, I still have the bencher.
I suppose you wanna know what happened ,there could be 2 major possibilities here:
1. They had a kid pregnancy made her fat, she cut off her hair to fit under the sheital. So he didn't really get what he wanted. Or did he?
2. He realized that long dark hair doesn't actually do anything and got divorced within 6 months B"H with out having any kids.

I'm not gonna tell you.

I'm just gonna finish my point here. I think that 'Movies' have changed the way we, and mean males AND females, perceive our values.
Warner Bros tells us which parts of the body should be what size we stupidly nod and believe.

There is a pasuk in the Torah when yakov wakes in the morning and 'hinay he leah'.
'surprise- it's Leah'.
What happened to the woman he wanted to marry?
I think that the average guy goes out once twice or even fifty times with a girl.
Thinks he knows her.
But the day or maybe even weeks later 'v'hinay he leah'.
Don't marry the bombshell, cause when you peel off the clothing and the makeup, the shell, all you're left with is a bomb.
Most women do not remain a size 2 for very long boys check out the long term built in features.
Humor, smile, politeness, yes do marry her for brain.
I'm not saying she should be ugly, chas v'sholom until love sets in, at least be attracted to her, helps can't hurt.
But I keep on reading about how the girls complain that they seem to only date guys who want a size 2.
Yup that creates a shiduch crises.

I think they are dating fools and should be happy that the boys aren't interested, who wants to spend their life with someone who really wants to marry Ms. Osgedarta Shiksa.
Those are the guys who let movies influence their values.
Leave em be they'll grow up, eventually?

New blog New Story

So I agreed it was a great idea to tell em the male point of view.

Where to start and what to share hummmmm.....
Wedding night(mare)?
Early small talk sessions?
Chossan kalla chats?
Chosson shver/shviger chats!!?

Gotta take slow, but I'll share 1 thing that comes to mind with painful clarity.

The first 'regular' shabbos, you know the first shabbos after sheva brachos shabbos, when the young couple gets to eat out, at Fress-du-la-Shviger.
Ya gotta picture the nervous state we were in, her at my place and me at hers.So I do kiddush loud, that went ok,but sure didnt help me relax, then after washing I get to cut my own full size challa.The shver hands me his sterling silver fancy shmancy engraved challa knife. I make a frummy hamotie out loud (no mistakes!) and start cutting.
(I think it was probably more more amusing from my younger brother-in-laws point of view so at this point I'm gonna switch)
The young choson jumped up with a small yelp. A small spatter of dark red blood went, as if in slow motion, from his hand to the plastic on the table. The chair he was sitting on tilted back against the wall and stayed in a leaning position.
(switching back)
I grab my forefinger that just dirtied the shvigers table cloth and applied pressure. Feeling like a total shlamiel I forced an apologetic smile "oh it's nothing I 'll be right back".The nearest bathroom was to my right, right past my wife of 10 whole days. I saw the expression on her face, a mixture of 'is he for real' and 'oh my lord'.That really helped thing along nicely.
I tried to pass her but as my chair was wedged between me and the wall, my legs keeping the chair from slipping down to a marble floor. I couldn't grab the chair, as one hand was pressing the other tightly as so not to bleed all over the place. My spouse, by now recovering from shock couldn't move the chair as we were ahem 10 days after our chasuna, and it was leaning on me.So as time dragged out (it was probably 5 seconds but seemed like several years- you know what I'm talkin about I'm sure you've all been there) I decided to use a combo of leg pushing and fingers from both hands to right the chair. With my tail between my legs I quickly walked to the bathroom and cleaned up my finger, but my ego would not come clean. My wife had followed me out had to convince me for nearly five minutes that its no big deal.Even though my sister-in-law (bless her heart) had cleaned up the mess and knife, it was a long long time before the shver let me use it again, just about the same time my ego recovered!

Hey anybody else wanna share ?You know blogsvillians love a good story post em!