Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Chaverah's question inverted

SO Chaverah asked a great question about the nasty habits of men.
And so this blogger wants to know pretty much the same but I'm asking it from a male point of view.
  1. Why do women wear a suit to the grocery.
  2. Why do females think they need makeup.
  3. Why do married women wear shietals with skin/french parts or "natural looks".
  4. Why do girls still naively think that men just 'wanna talk".
  5. Why are female styles geared to accentuate the body.
  6. What in the world are women thinking, trying to squeeze into clothing that's too small/tight for them, to the point that underwear lines show through.
  7. Why do orthodox girls wear those tops that reveal waist when they lean to one side.
  8. Dresses robe and coats that have belts, are those really tzniusdik? Isn't the whole point of the belt to enhance the hourglass shape, and therefore pretzus?

OK OK you get the idea, so knowing how males think, why the heck would females wear this kinda clothing?

The only reasoning I heard is that they want to be seen or as I've heard it put "I wanna look good" and of course the response to that is, look good to who?

Friday, December 22, 2006

Mikva Appointments

I started this blog, as noted to give insight to the nuances in the life of, as I see it, a typical chasidisher yingerman
OK OK, nobody is a precise example of what the definition, chasidisher yingerman, is supposed to be, and by some of the feedback I get, you guys definitely don’t feel that I’m it, but in my circles, nobody sees me as very different Maybe I'm as it's called ‘a bissel ufgekleirt’ but nothing that would make or break a potential shiduch, somewhere down the road for my kids.

And as the title says, the following is a true account of a mikva appointment that Spousy had or for a lack of a better word, wanted, as I had mentioned to Lakewood Venter, in Lakewood.
What were we doing in Lakewood? At this point you guys musta realized that I live in Brooklyn, right? Sure, I mentioned it a few times, so 'avu kumt' a Brooklyn chasid to Lakewood eir hakodesh?
I see all of you scratching your heads, why the heck would you go there?
Minyan? Kosher breakfast?
Well sorta.
The real answer is….the noshim mikva.
Spousy was scheduled to go that night and we didn’t wanna start out on the vakatzia, at 9pm or in the morning.
We travel to tom’s river with a reservation for room.
After a wrong turn due to construction we get to the hotel parking lot, and trying to avoid people like Mrs. Shpitzle, we park round the back. Spousy says, I’m gonna go check in, and she walks towards the office. At that moment a mabul starts… kidding, the rain was so thick I could no longer see her. I, of course had jumped back into the car.
After a few minutes the rain gets lighter and I see Spousy under a roof overhang at the side of the building, looks like she didn’t get totally soaked, must have sprinted there on the spur of the mabul.
I try shouting but she can’t hear me with te deafening rain, so with hand motions I point to the car.
She waves no, as in 'are you totally nuts'?
She point to the office, I see the overhang reaches nearly to the office.
I grin and give her the thumbs up.
Eventually I join her at the front desk just a bit damp, and we check in.
The room is satisfactory and we dump our gear.

Now the hard part.
So we went to Lakewood and started shopping for a mikvah.
You can imagine that one, right?
We’re cruisin down Main Street peering out in the fast approaching twilight.
“Wait, wasn’t it over there?”
“Nah it was the other way, “
“You sure?“
“No, but I remember that fire hydrant, “
“Hey look the capital hotel,”
“I think its thatta way “
“There, there it is, that funny lookin building”
“Ok I’ll sit here, and wait. “
“An hour?”
“OK lets see, I’ll wait 10 minutes and if you don’t come out I’ll go find a minyan marriv and I’ll be here, or that pump (pointing) in 45 to 50 minutes ok?”
Spousy walks off.
I lean back outta the direct light of the overhead street light.
2 minutes, Spousy comes back.
Oh oh.
“Huh?” (I can be so very eloquent at times)
“You need an appointment.”
I wrinkle my nose in puzzlement.
“Weeks in advance.”
I wrinkle my eyes too “how do you know weeks in advance, when you’re gonna need the mikva?”
Spousy shrugs “beats me.”
She sits in the car, and we both stare out the window.
Now what.
“There’s gotta be another mikva in town, I mean this is Lakewood.”
“I can call my cousin.”
“I can my friend.”
We look at each other “no way.”
Silence reigns.
“Ok you wanna go back ask the mikva lady, where else we can go?”
Spousy goes back to check.
A couple of minutes later.
“Where to."
"4 blocks thatta way” Points.
“Mikva lady says that’s the old mikva.”
“Sure, just old.”
Blinking “old?”
“Lady said to call this number” Spousy brandishes a piece of paper in front my nose.
The phone is answered by mikva lady 2.
Spousy listen and responds to the cell phone.
Hanging up she turns to me and says “mikva lady 2 lives right here she’ll let me in.”
How do you spell relief?
Spousy gets out and waves to me.
Time passes, we happen to be a block away from a shul, so I go do maariv, and return to the car over an hour passes before Spousy returns.
She doesn’t look the happy relief as usual.
“Huh?” (sympathetic intonation)
“Don’t ask.’
(For unmarried male readers ,first of all you shouldn’t be reading about mikva stuff and second you should know that when a female says ‘don’t ask’ it means I’m gonna complain about this a bunch.)
“It was a nightmare.”
“The tub was dirty, mamash filthy.”
“I had to clean it, before I would get in.”
“It was full of garbage and even some dead bugs, mikva lady 2 got me some stuff to clean it with.”
“Coulda helped you.”
“You can’t go in there it’s a women’s mikva.”
“And the mikva itself was cold even though mikva lady 2 tried warming it.”
“Tsah.” (clicking with tongue)
“Barely any lighting and the whole place is really run down.”
“Are you driving towards to hotel in the meantime?”
“Uh huh.”

We only stayed in Toms River that 1 night, after a kosher breakfast in Lakewood, no, no more details. Just suffice it to say we went on to greener pastures.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Ain't that the truth

HI everybody I know I started this to tell you about the wierd stuff that happens in my life, but somehow these things always seem to be worthwhile publishing. This is an email I got:

The Basics of Islam

The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per
capita in the United States, especially in the minority races!

Allah or Jesus? by Rick Mathes

Last month I attended my annual training session that's
required for maintaining my state prison security clearance.
During the training session there was a presentation by three
Speakers representing the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim
faiths, who explained each of their beliefs.
I was particularly interested in what the Islamic Imam had to
The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam
Complete with a video. After the presentations, time was provided for
Questions and Answers.
When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked: "Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams and clerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against the infidels of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is a command to all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's the case, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"
There was no disagreement with my statements and without
hesitation, he replied, "Non-believers!"
I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All
Followers of Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faith so they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"
The expression on his face changed from one of authority and
command to that of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
He sheepishly replied, "Yes."
I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a real problem trying to
Imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics to kill those of your
faith or Dr. Stanley ordering Protestants to do the same in order to go to Heaven!"
The Imam was speechless.
I continued, "I also have a problem with being your friend when you
And your brother clerics are telling your followers to kill me.
Let me ask you a question. Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill me in order to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I am going to Heaven and He wants you to be with me?"
You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head.
Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the "Diversification" training seminar were not happy with Rick's way of dealing with the Islamic Imam and exposing the truth about the Muslim's beliefs.
I think everyone in the U.S. should be required to read this,
But with the liberal justice system, liberal media, and the ACLU,
there is no way this will be widely publicized.
The author, Rick Mathes, is a well-known leader in prison ministry.

ok ok I know it promotes Jesus, on the hand who cares. If Jesus is a reason for gentiles to act more human, than I'm all for him ;)

Monday, December 18, 2006

Opened my pc this morning and msn comes up, I always look to see if there's anything of value, before getting my email n' stuff.
Anyway there was this :
about people doing with less. Can you imagine? People suggesting that they would be happier with less? not having every shmuntzka out there?
Yes! They have come to the conclusion that life needs guidelines. WOW what a concept. they think life can be had, no, life is better with a bit of self control.
Hummmm a novel concept, must have taken years to figure this out.
And to top it off they, having voluntarily tasted this lifestyle say its fulfilling.
So, you think that maybe G-d had it right all these years?

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Another un-shamefully stolen news article
from JTA

· The Conservative movement’s highest legal body moved to allow commitment ceremonies for gays and the ordination of gay rabbis. The Committee on Jewish Law and Standards endorsed three opinions Wednesday on homosexuality. Two opinions upheld earlier prohibitions on homosexual activity, but the third endorsed commitment ceremonies and the ordination of gay rabbis, while retaining the biblical ban on male sodomy. Two other opinions that were under consideration, which would have removed all restrictions on gay activity, were declared takanot, or substantial breaks from tradition that would require an absolute majority of the committee members for adoption. They were defeated. For more JTA coverage of this issue, click here.

Why do they still call themselves Jewish?
Shouldn't there be a name for movements , I mean not all christians are called catholics some are called protestants, adventists, mormons etc etc
Can't we call em something like De-frummies or Misnomers?

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Aol is a real pain in the ........

I was reading hiemish in brooklyn and deceided to put this up, I got it a while back.

have fun!

Friday, December 8, 2006

Parshe Questions?

So let me understand this.
Leah davens that her baby and Rachel baby should switch so that Rochel should have 2 boys, no less than the shfachos, whom also had 2 each.
OK, so Dina and Yosef get switched and stuff happens, like the following:
  1. Yosef now from a different mom is the object of hate.
  2. Dina, being a girl, (duh) gets kidnapped and raped, so its Leah's child as opposed to Rochels.
  3. Rochel was scared that if she had no kids, Yakov would divorce her and Eisav would want her, but now due to Leah's t'fila she had Yosef to block her from Eisav's view.

So you guys agree with all that? Weird.

Wednesday, December 6, 2006

Is this for real?

This letter was forwarded to me:

Becoming Illegal (From a Iowa resident to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart Senate Office Building Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC, 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Donald Simonson Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040. Please pass this onto your friends so they can save on this great offer!!!!

Monday, December 4, 2006

Fantastic Amazing Miracles

OK 'happywithlot' asked for a list of coincidences that I personally have seen or am aware, first hand of the details. I originally wrote up the list indicating the recipient of the heavenly intervention, in relation to me, cause it would be more real. But I reconsidered, hey I wanna stay anonymous. So at the cost of diluting the impact of these 'coincidences' I changed the names.
  1. My "Plony" went to a rebbe (deceased) with a kvitel. My "Plony" has a bunch of kids one of whom is not currently married in their 30s. Inadvertently he left out that child, a female who the rebbe had never met. The rebbe scans the list and says with a frown 'didn't you leave one out?' there was no way for him to know this, short of some sorta divine inspiration.
  2. My "PlonyII" had an issue with a "Ben Esav" regarding a lawsuit over some property. After conferring with a lawyer he understood that his legal position didn't look to good, so off he went for a broche at a rebbe (still alive at this writing). The rebbe listens and then closes his eyes. After a moment he opens his eyes and asks by my granddad for the court date. Hearing the date (sometime in Adar) the rebbe blessed my "PlonyII" and told him not to worry. Mr "Ben Esav" was killed by a car 3 days before the case.
  3. My "PlonyIII" worked at several jobs before the one he is at now, sometimes doing just OK. After certain bumps in the road he decides to buy a business. He find something he can do and goes to the Rebbe(deceased) for a broche. The business is old and not doing well but my "PlonyIII" insists that the rebbe promises him it's going to succeed. He's doing very well and works maybe 30 hours a week.
  4. Spousy's "Plonet" was told by her obstetrician it the beginning of her 2nd trimester that her baby in-utero had a birth defect and at best would be slow. As observant Jews they couldn't abort the baby. Her Hubby went to his Rebbe (alive and kicking) who promises him that the baby will be fine but to please travel to Rabbi X to get his broche. She carried the baby to term filled with worry. The baby is B"H fine, a bit short maybe.
  5. Last night I went to the ?????? ????? Rebbe visiting from Yerushalayim. I have never been to him before. He looked at my kvitel and asked 2 things that are the exact priorities in my life now. Blew me away.


Do you really need a shopping list, to make you believe in a Supreme Being?

Go talk to someone with numbers tattooed on their arms, or someone that lived though 9/11 in NYC, that should be enough. Those who have wool over their eyes should know that wool makes me itch.

Sunday, December 3, 2006

Bitch of a hubby

The last couple of weeks, The jewish Press has been running responses to letter, originally sent in by a guy complaining that his wife, who was a beaut, is now a chub. He works in a downtown office full of 'Hot Chanies' and is rather miffed that at night he's gotta come home to chubb.

The paper has been printing responses both ways.
One typical response is, the hubby is a jerk and he should love his wife purely due to her investing her life in raising the 3 kids, which is the number one reason she got heavy to begin with.
Second response is more along the line of why do some let themselves go and turbans and houserobes should be banned altogether.
Then there are other non sectarian responses, and those are my favorites.
The woman who writes that she is a Hot Chanie and is having an affair. And there's the Hot Chanie who wishes to be Housecoat Hennie with the patience for floor time with the kiddies.
Feh...... nobodies happy.

Anyway this reminds me of a night out, I had with my wife and a friend of hers. Yes, once apon a time, in a land far away. ( I don't do that anymore, I've outgrown it, thankfully. Hey, I'm not proud of it.)
Anyway we ate out or a movie, I don't remember. When the activity was over, we walked back to the car. Some dude jogged past us and one of our party remarked "is he (the jogger) going to our car too?"
"Bet I can get there first"
"Bet you, I can"
"Yeah, lets see."
So me and the friend ran to the car and waited for my wife to get there.
She was furious.
She didn't show it till we dumped the friend, then the music started.
How dare I play with another woman. We went out. to have a good time and I run off with her.
I pointed out that she wasn't my friend and I wasn't the one who invited her.
But as she was a Unmarried Hot Chanie and was friendly and I, well I was guilty.
Even though I didn't put myself into a tight spot by inviting her, I still allowed myself to flirt.
The race, yeah I won but I lost respect.
It was that easy and in front of my wife too.
I understand how easy it is to get involved with someone you shouldn't.
I also know that while temptation is easy the results are disastrous.
A co-worker of mine is divorced, for the 3rd time. She was a Hot Chanie and wanted to marry 'Macho Moshe or Kool Kalman, which her hubby wasn't. He was a regular run of the mill guy.
So after a couple of years, she dumps him and hooks up with dude II. Naturally it doesn't last and as a still warm Chanie she gets dude III, with the same results.
So, she is still tall & blond but now she has grandkids who don't wanna visit cause she lives alone, in a small 1 and a half room, bug infested apartment. Works 2 jobs instead of babysitting the grandkids and baking them cookies.
Pity her? Yes I guess I do.
I can't help but feel she stepped into it on purpose.

I guess Hashem gave me enough brains to wisen up before....
I am in in a better situation? Will it last? Do I worry to much?
Who knows.