Mikva Appointments

I started this blog, as noted to give insight to the nuances in the life of, as I see it, a typical chasidisher yingerman
OK OK, nobody is a precise example of what the definition, chasidisher yingerman, is supposed to be, and by some of the feedback I get, you guys definitely don’t feel that I’m it, but in my circles, nobody sees me as very different Maybe I'm as it's called ‘a bissel ufgekleirt’ but nothing that would make or break a potential shiduch, somewhere down the road for my kids.

And as the title says, the following is a true account of a mikva appointment that Spousy had or for a lack of a better word, wanted, as I had mentioned to Lakewood Venter, in Lakewood.
What were we doing in Lakewood? At this point you guys musta realized that I live in Brooklyn, right? Sure, I mentioned it a few times, so 'avu kumt' a Brooklyn chasid to Lakewood eir hakodesh?
Easy.
Vacation!
I see all of you scratching your heads, why the heck would you go there?
Minyan? Kosher breakfast?
Well sorta.
The real answer is….the noshim mikva.
Spousy was scheduled to go that night and we didn’t wanna start out on the vakatzia, at 9pm or in the morning.
We travel to tom’s river with a reservation for room.
After a wrong turn due to construction we get to the hotel parking lot, and trying to avoid people like Mrs. Shpitzle, we park round the back. Spousy says, I’m gonna go check in, and she walks towards the office. At that moment a mabul starts…..no kidding, the rain was so thick I could no longer see her. I, of course had jumped back into the car.
After a few minutes the rain gets lighter and I see Spousy under a roof overhang at the side of the building, looks like she didn’t get totally soaked, must have sprinted there on the spur of the mabul.
I try shouting but she can’t hear me with te deafening rain, so with hand motions I point to the car.
She waves no, as in 'are you totally nuts'?
She point to the office, I see the overhang reaches nearly to the office.
I grin and give her the thumbs up.
Eventually I join her at the front desk just a bit damp, and we check in.
The room is satisfactory and we dump our gear.

Now the hard part.
So we went to Lakewood and started shopping for a mikvah.
You can imagine that one, right?
We’re cruisin down Main Street peering out in the fast approaching twilight.
“Wait, wasn’t it over there?”
“Nah it was the other way, “
“You sure?“
“No, but I remember that fire hydrant, “
“Hey look the capital hotel,”
“So?”
“I think its thatta way “
“There, there it is, that funny lookin building”
“Ok I’ll sit here, and wait. “
“An hour?”
“OK lets see, I’ll wait 10 minutes and if you don’t come out I’ll go find a minyan marriv and I’ll be here, or that pump (pointing) in 45 to 50 minutes ok?”
(Nod)
Spousy walks off.
I lean back outta the direct light of the overhead street light.
2 minutes, Spousy comes back.
Oh oh.
“Huh?” (I can be so very eloquent at times)
“You need an appointment.”
I wrinkle my nose in puzzlement.
“Weeks in advance.”
I wrinkle my eyes too “how do you know weeks in advance, when you’re gonna need the mikva?”
Spousy shrugs “beats me.”
She sits in the car, and we both stare out the window.
OK.
Now what.
“There’s gotta be another mikva in town, I mean this is Lakewood.”
“I can call my cousin.”
“I can my friend.”
We look at each other “no way.”
Silence reigns.
“Ok you wanna go back ask the mikva lady, where else we can go?”
“OK.”
Spousy goes back to check.
A couple of minutes later.
“Drive.”
“Where to."
"4 blocks thatta way” Points.
OK
“Mikva lady says that’s the old mikva.”
“Kosher?”
“Sure, just old.”
Blinking “old?”
“Lady said to call this number” Spousy brandishes a piece of paper in front my nose.
The phone is answered by mikva lady 2.
Spousy listen and responds to the cell phone.
Hanging up she turns to me and says “mikva lady 2 lives right here she’ll let me in.”
How do you spell relief?
Spousy gets out and waves to me.
Time passes, we happen to be a block away from a shul, so I go do maariv, and return to the car over an hour passes before Spousy returns.
She doesn’t look the happy relief as usual.
“Huh?” (sympathetic intonation)
“Don’t ask.’
(For unmarried male readers ,first of all you shouldn’t be reading about mikva stuff and second you should know that when a female says ‘don’t ask’ it means I’m gonna complain about this a bunch.)
“Nu?”
“It was a nightmare.”
“Huh.”
“The tub was dirty, mamash filthy.”
“Hmmm.”
“I had to clean it, before I would get in.”
“Ewww.”
“It was full of garbage and even some dead bugs, mikva lady 2 got me some stuff to clean it with.”
“Coulda helped you.”
“You can’t go in there it’s a women’s mikva.”
“Hmmm.”
“And the mikva itself was cold even though mikva lady 2 tried warming it.”
“Tsah.” (clicking with tongue)
“Barely any lighting and the whole place is really run down.”
“Humph.”
“Are you driving towards to hotel in the meantime?”
“Uh huh.”

We only stayed in Toms River that 1 night, after a kosher breakfast in Lakewood, no, no more details. Just suffice it to say we went on to greener pastures.